What’s going on in my head right now

As I am typing this with shaking hands, I find myself almost going backwards, not within just my blog, but my life. I thought since my very first blog post back in 2017, I would have progressed with my mental illness. Being an advocate, I know that’s not completely realistic, but I thought I would be different, for some reason–exempt, from every painful thing that came along with my mental illness. But if I am being completely open and honest on my platform right now, I feel sick to my stomach right now. The pain in my chest is overwhelming, and I can’t take it anymore. The suicidal ideations are consuming every thought I have of everyday. I’m scared of myself If I am being quite honest. My body aches from the mental agony I am in. Breathing is too much right now, and it hurts. I just want everything to stop, I want to stop, forever. Nothing brings me joy anymore, and everything I do seems to be a chore. Getting up in the mornings feels like climbing Mount Everest. Driving to doctors appointments, work or anything else feels like I am training for a marathon. This pain is so unbearable, and I wouldn’t wish the pain of having a mental illness on anyone. I am around people everyday, whether that be friends, family, coworkers, strangers– anyone really, I still feel completely and utterly alone. I can’t go to anyone without being a burden, so what even is the point anymore. What is the point of waking up everyday to just feel constant heartache. I am too much for anyone to deal with, and I have come to realize that. Of course, it bothered me at first because I just couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t good enough, even for my friends or family, but now I am just numb to it and everything else in  between. I constantly replay this question in my head, “who would actually care if i died right now?”, and then I answered my own question, “no one”. It sounds dumb, I’m sure, because the obvious answer to everyone else would be, of course Id be upset, but they’re only upset because I am no longer here and thats the natural response to someone dying, because if anyone cared, I would not feel the need to want to end my life. I am angry with God. Every night I talk to God about how I’m feeling as I am staring at my ceiling, and I ask him to “not let me see the light of tomorrow”. Ironic since I used to wake up every morning thanking Him for letting me see another day, and now I just crave eternal peace. It’s scary because I never thought I’d get here again, but here I am. I have become scared of myself because this isn’t me, but when people become sick and tired of being sick and tired, they do something about it. I just want the pain, everything, it all to stop. 

This is what is in my head right now. This is to show that mental illness is definitely not a “brave thing” to have happen to you. It doesn’t deserve to be romanticized, and yes even though I write positive posts about overcoming my illness, I actively still want and think about dying almost everyday. It’s something that eats at me everyday, and waking up everyday battling this illness is like playing Russian roulette with life. I feel defeated and I am just so very tired. Checking on your friends that are battling different mental illnesses or mental illness at all, is so essential, as essential as water because their life is constantly on the line. It is hard to have someone dealing with this in your life because it drains your energy and positivity because you’re so focused on that one person who just wants to die all of the time. I would know because a lot of my friends did not stick around because the struggle was too much to handle, and to a point i understand it. Mental illness is heavy, and watching someone you care about go through it can be gut wrenching, but also if you’re not there for them, who will be? If you’re in the right headspace to listen to this person in your life, I promise it makes the world of a difference. You could be their saving grace.

Photo by Volkan Olmez on Unsplash

The big news is…..

Hello beautiful people! I had some exciting news that I wanted to share with y’all, and it’s kind of late and behind, but better late than never. The news is…….. 

 

I came out with my first book! It is a memoir about living with mental illness, and everything I have endured and went through from the beginning of my diagnosis when I was 15, to now, me being 19. It is very raw and descriptive, as I wanted to give my all to you guys. It was very scary to write it, as anyone is able to read it, instead of just the Wordpress community. It is on Amazon, and kindle e-book. It’s not very long, but it has a lot of material, that I am extremely proud of. I came out with my book in November, yet I am just now telling you all. I apologize for the late exposure, as you guys should have been the first to know. If y’all could spread the word, or possibly buy the book, it would mean so much. Your support has always encouraged and inspired me, so I hope I make you guys proud with this memoir. Thank y’all again for the inspiration you gave me to write this book. Go and purchase! 🙂 

Link: https://www.amazon.com/Road-Recovery-experience-mental-illness/dp/1790160421/ref=nodl_

Photo by Nicole Honeywill on Unsplash

It gets better

*TRIGGER WARNING* 

Below contains my suicide note, that I wrote 5 years ago. If you are not in a good place to read this, I advise you to not to do so, thank you!

“So by the time you get this I won’t be here anymore. I’m tired. Not the sleepy kind of tired, the emotional drainage I feel every waking moment I spend breathing. The kind of tired I feel that it feels like too much work to pick out clothes to wear to school, or take a shower, or take my medicine. I’m tired of standing in the mirror with a knife to my throat wondering if anyone would ever find my body if I went through with it, or even care for that matter. I’m so sick of being unhappy and not meaning a single thing to anyone on this earth. I will be much much much more happy when I’m sleeping with Jesus and it’s better this way. Now that im gone l hope you won’t be furious with me for pushing you away and never letting you in. I’m so sorry for the pain I caused you over the years. Dragging you down my tideous journey of this soul consuming depression. That was never fair to you and I’m so sorry.  my soul is rested in Jesus and I’m covered in the blood of Christ so I will be at peace, I’m not worried. I’m not scared anymore because I’ll be with him. This is truly what I want and I do not regret it at all. No one knew how truly I miserable I was although you may thought you did, you didn’t. What you thought was going on with me was far less worse than what was really going on. Everyday was a constant struggle to get out of bed, to take a shower everyday, go pee, small stuff like that. I don’t want to go out anymore, not even with friends. This is not a life I am trying to live everyday. I know I could have a worse life and there are people out there who do but I could also have a better one, better than the crappy one I am living in. There’s so much going on in my life that you have no idea about and how bad it really is because I was too embarrassed to tell you in fear you’d judge me.  It just hurts so much to the point where I’m feeling physically sick. I don’t want to leave the people that I do love but I possibly cannot keep going with this amount of pain going through me. I have been strong for so long, or so I thought, and there is only so much a person can take, and I have hit my limit, therefore I’ve exceeded my stay. It’s better this way, you’ll see. I didn’t intend for this note to be this long so I’m sorry I was never enough for you.

10.26.14”

This was the suicide note I wrote when I was 15 years old. I am sharing this very personal and vulnerable piece of me because it shows how far I have come. If you’re wondering why I still kept this 5 years later, it is to constantly remind me every day that I will strive to never get back to such a low place ever again. The whole point of my blog is to show how overcoming and dealing with mental illness is possible, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. As you see in my above note, I couldn’t see light for miles. I didn’t have someone to share with me, their testimony, of how it gets better, and I wish I had. I want that for someone reading this. If you are reading this, I am here to tell you that it, in fact, does get better, 100%. I know you can’t see that because I definitely couldn’t. I didn’t want to hear someone tell me “it gets better” who didn’t know what I was going through, but I know what you’re going through, and yet here I am with a purpose, just like you. You have a purpose. I am so thankful for all of you. If you’re feeling hopeless please feel free to reach out to me, and we will talk through this together. You’ve got this. You’re a rock star.

Photo by sydney Rae on Unsplash

Having different mental illnesses

Having one mental illness can definitely lead to having another. Mental illnesses usually build on each other. For instance, if you have Depression, you are more likely to develop anxiety over any other mental illness (which is what happened to me), vice versa. Before I was started showing symptoms and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, I was only nervous about one thing, and that was public speaking, which is common fear for most of the population. However, after being diagnosed with Depression, I started to get nervous and antsy about everything for no reason. Simple things like talking on the phone to someone other than my mom and dad, terrified me. Public speaking became a phobia, not just a fear, at this point. I became obsessed with pleasing people, even if it hurt me, just so I could avoid conflict, I’d say yes to just about anything, which can be dangerous. I developed a constant tremor in my head and hands that causes me to naturally shake. I avoided anything that put the attention on me. I worry about things, sometimes up to 6 months in advance, which causes constant worry and distress. Of course, along with anxiety comes with anxiety attacks. I had never experienced an anxiety attack before, or so I thought. Every time I get stressed, which is everyday it seems like, I can’t short of breath, and my chest has the sharpest pain possible. It has been so bad, that I have gone to the Emergency Room a few times and have had a doctor tell me that he thought I was having a slight heart attack because that’s what my EKG showed, but because I am so young, and otherwise healthy, that wasn’t logical. It turns out I was having anxiety attacks.

With my anxiety came anxiety of taking any form of pill, which includes my daily medications. I had developed a Somatoform Disorder—- Illness Anxiety Disorder, which is formally known as hypochondriasis. For about a year I would take my medicine very month, and that is only if my parents were shoving it down my throat because I was so scared that I would feel nauseas, like I had when I first started taking the medicine. Nausea is a symptom of new medications, and I didn’t like how I would get nauseas every time I’d take it, so I just stopped taking them all together. Of course, that was detrimental to my treatment because I started to develop other physical symptoms that piggy backed off my Somatoform Disorder.

It took me a long time to convince my parents that I wasn’t ‘just’ over-exaggerating, but that It is an actual illness. Knowing my body, and wanting to get better, I got treatment for it.  Having multiple illnesses doesn’t make you weird, or a freak. Knowing you have them helps you get the treatment that you need.

Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

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