Trauma created from self sabotage

Do you ever find yourself pushing away those that are trying to help you, but you’re not sure why? You always crave that love and attention from your loved ones because you want to feel wanted and needed, but when they interject and try to help you just push them away … why is that? I have a theory. We don’t feel we deserve what they’re giving us. We want it, but we know we don’t deserve it, for many reasons that may not even be related. We self sabotage for sure, and it builds wedges in our relationships that we may not be so lucky enough to get back one day. Sometimes that loved one gets tired also and can’t take the constant pushback they get from us, so it’s less painful to just walk away. I personally feel that is how a lot of my relationships fail. Not because our season was just up, or we grew apart, but because I ruined it, I self sabotaged it, I broke us.

I have spent the last few years of my life wondering why so many people left. I always thought if you loved someone you’re supposed to be in it for the long haul no matter how much pain and angst it causes in the relationship. Loving someone with a mental illness is hard, it is in no way easy or light hearted. Everyone has mental health, and everyone has to take care of their own. I do believe my friends in my past friendships loved me, but they got tired. They didn’t know what to do, so the easiest thing for them to do was just to walk away because they needed to do what was best for them. Yes, it broke me, yes it hurt, yes it shaped the way I enter new relationships now, but I did this to myself. Not every person does this, but me, personally, I hurt a lot of people, whether it was intentional or not. I was sick, I am sick, however, that isn’t an excuse to drain those that try to be there for you. Because one day you’ll push away so hard and so much that they will meet their breaking point and actually stop trying. They stop trying to save you. That is why my past friendships and relationships have failed because I burdened those that I loved with the pain that I was carrying, not taking into consideration their own mental state. I believed no one loved me or I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve the love they were extending to me. So, I pushed them away until they had no choice but to actually step away. I really convinced myself I deserved to be alone and in pain until I actually was alone and in pain. Self sabotage. 

People that love you, care about how they make you feel

My failed relationships and friendships have really done a number on me. It causes me anxiety to let my friends help me, simply because I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself to just have regular sized problems to have them help me with. My issues are always colossal and inconvenient for everyone, so much that if they were to get involved they would run and not come back. So what do I do about my current relationships? I self sabotage. Not to drive them away because i want to, but actually to prevent them from getting too involved in the first place. So, I drive them away before they can get in too deep. To not only protect me from losing them but from ruining their own mental state because they’re so focused on me. I wouldn’t be a good friend if I knowingly drug them into my messy life, knowing what it could do. I know the signs, I know the patterns. I love them too much to let them crumble at my expense. My friends, currently, saved me from a grief so bad I would have let it kill me if they hadn’t pulled me out of it, but even then that was too much. I self sabotage because it’s what I am now wired to do. I first did it because I thought it would make it less painful for me when I decided I would intentionally hurt myself, and that since they were already detached it wouldn’t hurt them like I knew it would. Now, I do it because I’ve learned from my mistakes that losing my people the way I lost the last is not something I can bear to go through again. I will always continuously blame myself for how I broke my relationships with the people that meant the most to me. It is a grief I carry on my chest every single day, and it is unbearable and I don’t think it is something I will ever get over. So instead, I pull away before it even gets to that point. 

She saved me from a grief so bad I would have let it kill me

Kim Raver

My friends don’t understand because they just want to be there for me, but I can see what they can’t. I saw the same pattern in the past and those friends ended up resenting me and hating me because they just couldn’t do it anymore, and that was more painful than them just drifting from me because I let them. It’s dark and morbid if you think about it, but we all do it, in one way or another. This just happens to be my theory and my method of sabotage. I guess you could call it a method of coping or even a defense mechanism. 

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

It gets better

*TRIGGER WARNING* 

Below contains my suicide note, that I wrote 5 years ago. If you are not in a good place to read this, I advise you to not to do so, thank you!

“So by the time you get this I won’t be here anymore. I’m tired. Not the sleepy kind of tired, the emotional drainage I feel every waking moment I spend breathing. The kind of tired I feel that it feels like too much work to pick out clothes to wear to school, or take a shower, or take my medicine. I’m tired of standing in the mirror with a knife to my throat wondering if anyone would ever find my body if I went through with it, or even care for that matter. I’m so sick of being unhappy and not meaning a single thing to anyone on this earth. I will be much much much more happy when I’m sleeping with Jesus and it’s better this way. Now that im gone l hope you won’t be furious with me for pushing you away and never letting you in. I’m so sorry for the pain I caused you over the years. Dragging you down my tideous journey of this soul consuming depression. That was never fair to you and I’m so sorry.  my soul is rested in Jesus and I’m covered in the blood of Christ so I will be at peace, I’m not worried. I’m not scared anymore because I’ll be with him. This is truly what I want and I do not regret it at all. No one knew how truly I miserable I was although you may thought you did, you didn’t. What you thought was going on with me was far less worse than what was really going on. Everyday was a constant struggle to get out of bed, to take a shower everyday, go pee, small stuff like that. I don’t want to go out anymore, not even with friends. This is not a life I am trying to live everyday. I know I could have a worse life and there are people out there who do but I could also have a better one, better than the crappy one I am living in. There’s so much going on in my life that you have no idea about and how bad it really is because I was too embarrassed to tell you in fear you’d judge me.  It just hurts so much to the point where I’m feeling physically sick. I don’t want to leave the people that I do love but I possibly cannot keep going with this amount of pain going through me. I have been strong for so long, or so I thought, and there is only so much a person can take, and I have hit my limit, therefore I’ve exceeded my stay. It’s better this way, you’ll see. I didn’t intend for this note to be this long so I’m sorry I was never enough for you.

10.26.14”

This was the suicide note I wrote when I was 15 years old. I am sharing this very personal and vulnerable piece of me because it shows how far I have come. If you’re wondering why I still kept this 5 years later, it is to constantly remind me every day that I will strive to never get back to such a low place ever again. The whole point of my blog is to show how overcoming and dealing with mental illness is possible, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. As you see in my above note, I couldn’t see light for miles. I didn’t have someone to share with me, their testimony, of how it gets better, and I wish I had. I want that for someone reading this. If you are reading this, I am here to tell you that it, in fact, does get better, 100%. I know you can’t see that because I definitely couldn’t. I didn’t want to hear someone tell me “it gets better” who didn’t know what I was going through, but I know what you’re going through, and yet here I am with a purpose, just like you. You have a purpose. I am so thankful for all of you. If you’re feeling hopeless please feel free to reach out to me, and we will talk through this together. You’ve got this. You’re a rock star.

Photo by sydney Rae on Unsplash

Having different mental illnesses

Having one mental illness can definitely lead to having another. Mental illnesses usually build on each other. For instance, if you have Depression, you are more likely to develop anxiety over any other mental illness (which is what happened to me), vice versa. Before I was started showing symptoms and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, I was only nervous about one thing, and that was public speaking, which is common fear for most of the population. However, after being diagnosed with Depression, I started to get nervous and antsy about everything for no reason. Simple things like talking on the phone to someone other than my mom and dad, terrified me. Public speaking became a phobia, not just a fear, at this point. I became obsessed with pleasing people, even if it hurt me, just so I could avoid conflict, I’d say yes to just about anything, which can be dangerous. I developed a constant tremor in my head and hands that causes me to naturally shake. I avoided anything that put the attention on me. I worry about things, sometimes up to 6 months in advance, which causes constant worry and distress. Of course, along with anxiety comes with anxiety attacks. I had never experienced an anxiety attack before, or so I thought. Every time I get stressed, which is everyday it seems like, I can’t short of breath, and my chest has the sharpest pain possible. It has been so bad, that I have gone to the Emergency Room a few times and have had a doctor tell me that he thought I was having a slight heart attack because that’s what my EKG showed, but because I am so young, and otherwise healthy, that wasn’t logical. It turns out I was having anxiety attacks.

With my anxiety came anxiety of taking any form of pill, which includes my daily medications. I had developed a Somatoform Disorder—- Illness Anxiety Disorder, which is formally known as hypochondriasis. For about a year I would take my medicine very month, and that is only if my parents were shoving it down my throat because I was so scared that I would feel nauseas, like I had when I first started taking the medicine. Nausea is a symptom of new medications, and I didn’t like how I would get nauseas every time I’d take it, so I just stopped taking them all together. Of course, that was detrimental to my treatment because I started to develop other physical symptoms that piggy backed off my Somatoform Disorder.

It took me a long time to convince my parents that I wasn’t ‘just’ over-exaggerating, but that It is an actual illness. Knowing my body, and wanting to get better, I got treatment for it.  Having multiple illnesses doesn’t make you weird, or a freak. Knowing you have them helps you get the treatment that you need.

Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

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