Trauma created from self sabotage

Do you ever find yourself pushing away those that are trying to help you, but you’re not sure why? You always crave that love and attention from your loved ones because you want to feel wanted and needed, but when they interject and try to help you just push them away … why is that? I have a theory. We don’t feel we deserve what they’re giving us. We want it, but we know we don’t deserve it, for many reasons that may not even be related. We self sabotage for sure, and it builds wedges in our relationships that we may not be so lucky enough to get back one day. Sometimes that loved one gets tired also and can’t take the constant pushback they get from us, so it’s less painful to just walk away. I personally feel that is how a lot of my relationships fail. Not because our season was just up, or we grew apart, but because I ruined it, I self sabotaged it, I broke us.

I have spent the last few years of my life wondering why so many people left. I always thought if you loved someone you’re supposed to be in it for the long haul no matter how much pain and angst it causes in the relationship. Loving someone with a mental illness is hard, it is in no way easy or light hearted. Everyone has mental health, and everyone has to take care of their own. I do believe my friends in my past friendships loved me, but they got tired. They didn’t know what to do, so the easiest thing for them to do was just to walk away because they needed to do what was best for them. Yes, it broke me, yes it hurt, yes it shaped the way I enter new relationships now, but I did this to myself. Not every person does this, but me, personally, I hurt a lot of people, whether it was intentional or not. I was sick, I am sick, however, that isn’t an excuse to drain those that try to be there for you. Because one day you’ll push away so hard and so much that they will meet their breaking point and actually stop trying. They stop trying to save you. That is why my past friendships and relationships have failed because I burdened those that I loved with the pain that I was carrying, not taking into consideration their own mental state. I believed no one loved me or I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve the love they were extending to me. So, I pushed them away until they had no choice but to actually step away. I really convinced myself I deserved to be alone and in pain until I actually was alone and in pain. Self sabotage. 

People that love you, care about how they make you feel

My failed relationships and friendships have really done a number on me. It causes me anxiety to let my friends help me, simply because I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself to just have regular sized problems to have them help me with. My issues are always colossal and inconvenient for everyone, so much that if they were to get involved they would run and not come back. So what do I do about my current relationships? I self sabotage. Not to drive them away because i want to, but actually to prevent them from getting too involved in the first place. So, I drive them away before they can get in too deep. To not only protect me from losing them but from ruining their own mental state because they’re so focused on me. I wouldn’t be a good friend if I knowingly drug them into my messy life, knowing what it could do. I know the signs, I know the patterns. I love them too much to let them crumble at my expense. My friends, currently, saved me from a grief so bad I would have let it kill me if they hadn’t pulled me out of it, but even then that was too much. I self sabotage because it’s what I am now wired to do. I first did it because I thought it would make it less painful for me when I decided I would intentionally hurt myself, and that since they were already detached it wouldn’t hurt them like I knew it would. Now, I do it because I’ve learned from my mistakes that losing my people the way I lost the last is not something I can bear to go through again. I will always continuously blame myself for how I broke my relationships with the people that meant the most to me. It is a grief I carry on my chest every single day, and it is unbearable and I don’t think it is something I will ever get over. So instead, I pull away before it even gets to that point. 

She saved me from a grief so bad I would have let it kill me

Kim Raver

My friends don’t understand because they just want to be there for me, but I can see what they can’t. I saw the same pattern in the past and those friends ended up resenting me and hating me because they just couldn’t do it anymore, and that was more painful than them just drifting from me because I let them. It’s dark and morbid if you think about it, but we all do it, in one way or another. This just happens to be my theory and my method of sabotage. I guess you could call it a method of coping or even a defense mechanism. 

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

It gets better

*TRIGGER WARNING* 

Below contains my suicide note, that I wrote 5 years ago. If you are not in a good place to read this, I advise you to not to do so, thank you!

“So by the time you get this I won’t be here anymore. I’m tired. Not the sleepy kind of tired, the emotional drainage I feel every waking moment I spend breathing. The kind of tired I feel that it feels like too much work to pick out clothes to wear to school, or take a shower, or take my medicine. I’m tired of standing in the mirror with a knife to my throat wondering if anyone would ever find my body if I went through with it, or even care for that matter. I’m so sick of being unhappy and not meaning a single thing to anyone on this earth. I will be much much much more happy when I’m sleeping with Jesus and it’s better this way. Now that im gone l hope you won’t be furious with me for pushing you away and never letting you in. I’m so sorry for the pain I caused you over the years. Dragging you down my tideous journey of this soul consuming depression. That was never fair to you and I’m so sorry.  my soul is rested in Jesus and I’m covered in the blood of Christ so I will be at peace, I’m not worried. I’m not scared anymore because I’ll be with him. This is truly what I want and I do not regret it at all. No one knew how truly I miserable I was although you may thought you did, you didn’t. What you thought was going on with me was far less worse than what was really going on. Everyday was a constant struggle to get out of bed, to take a shower everyday, go pee, small stuff like that. I don’t want to go out anymore, not even with friends. This is not a life I am trying to live everyday. I know I could have a worse life and there are people out there who do but I could also have a better one, better than the crappy one I am living in. There’s so much going on in my life that you have no idea about and how bad it really is because I was too embarrassed to tell you in fear you’d judge me.  It just hurts so much to the point where I’m feeling physically sick. I don’t want to leave the people that I do love but I possibly cannot keep going with this amount of pain going through me. I have been strong for so long, or so I thought, and there is only so much a person can take, and I have hit my limit, therefore I’ve exceeded my stay. It’s better this way, you’ll see. I didn’t intend for this note to be this long so I’m sorry I was never enough for you.

10.26.14”

This was the suicide note I wrote when I was 15 years old. I am sharing this very personal and vulnerable piece of me because it shows how far I have come. If you’re wondering why I still kept this 5 years later, it is to constantly remind me every day that I will strive to never get back to such a low place ever again. The whole point of my blog is to show how overcoming and dealing with mental illness is possible, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. As you see in my above note, I couldn’t see light for miles. I didn’t have someone to share with me, their testimony, of how it gets better, and I wish I had. I want that for someone reading this. If you are reading this, I am here to tell you that it, in fact, does get better, 100%. I know you can’t see that because I definitely couldn’t. I didn’t want to hear someone tell me “it gets better” who didn’t know what I was going through, but I know what you’re going through, and yet here I am with a purpose, just like you. You have a purpose. I am so thankful for all of you. If you’re feeling hopeless please feel free to reach out to me, and we will talk through this together. You’ve got this. You’re a rock star.

Photo by sydney Rae on Unsplash

I found a strange peace and comfort in loneliness

Before I developed mental illness, I was an extreme extrovert. I talked to anyone and everyone who was willing to talk to me. I had zero anxiety when it came to making new friends. In fact, I always put myself in situations to make new friends. I was the girl in school who always cracked jokes and kept class alive. I even befriended my teachers, and was just an all around social butterfly. That all quickly changed when I started spiraling into a depression.

We have all heard that people who suffer from Depression, like to isolate themselves from everyone, and of course that was the case for me. Four years later, from the time I was diagnosed with Depression, I have found myself to be an extreme introvert now. I choose to be alone, and I like being alone. I like to do things on my own, and have found a peace and comfort in keeping to myself. This year was my first year of college and I haven’t made as many friends as I thought I needed and wanted. Fall semester, I was pretty bummed because I felt alone, and I was told college was supposed to be the best four years of my life, and I was going to find my life long friends, but yet every time I had the opportunity to make friends, I found myself straying away from those opportunities. I found myself doing activities around campus alone because I never put myself out there to be seen by other students, and frankly, I wasn’t jumping out of my seat to find my next best friend.

My parents constantly ask me why I haven’t made many friends yet and I realized, I don’t want to stick my neck out for people to just come and go out of my life as they please. I have had some heart break throughout these past four years of suffering from my illness, and I’m just not ready to be that girl again. For the time being, I have found comfort in doing thigs on my own, and being alone. And don’t get me wrong, yes, I get down occasionally because everyone needs companionship, and a best friend they can go to. My friends are back home, and even when I’m back home visiting, I’m not rushing to see them. I have found a peace in taking time to better myself, and getting to know myself before I am ready to be that crazy, fun, extroverted girl again. And who knows, maybe she will never be back, maybe this is me growing into the person I was always supposed to be. I am getting older, and my friends and I are going our separate ways. For now, I am taking this time to focus on my mental health and school, and then my friends will be there if they want and I they don’t they can leave. I’m not bitter about it, I just have found myself turning into a different person, one who isn’t consumed with sadness and darkness, and always feeling the need to please everyone around me. I’m going to continue to keep to myself and see where life takes me.

This post probably sounds like I am opposed to having friends and that I hate my friends, and that isn’t the case at all. I love my friends, and if I make some along this journey then great, but I’m just not going to stress myself out trying to put extra energy into people who wouldn’t do the same for me.

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