Trauma created from self sabotage

Do you ever find yourself pushing away those that are trying to help you, but you’re not sure why? You always crave that love and attention from your loved ones because you want to feel wanted and needed, but when they interject and try to help you just push them away … why is that? I have a theory. We don’t feel we deserve what they’re giving us. We want it, but we know we don’t deserve it, for many reasons that may not even be related. We self sabotage for sure, and it builds wedges in our relationships that we may not be so lucky enough to get back one day. Sometimes that loved one gets tired also and can’t take the constant pushback they get from us, so it’s less painful to just walk away. I personally feel that is how a lot of my relationships fail. Not because our season was just up, or we grew apart, but because I ruined it, I self sabotaged it, I broke us.

I have spent the last few years of my life wondering why so many people left. I always thought if you loved someone you’re supposed to be in it for the long haul no matter how much pain and angst it causes in the relationship. Loving someone with a mental illness is hard, it is in no way easy or light hearted. Everyone has mental health, and everyone has to take care of their own. I do believe my friends in my past friendships loved me, but they got tired. They didn’t know what to do, so the easiest thing for them to do was just to walk away because they needed to do what was best for them. Yes, it broke me, yes it hurt, yes it shaped the way I enter new relationships now, but I did this to myself. Not every person does this, but me, personally, I hurt a lot of people, whether it was intentional or not. I was sick, I am sick, however, that isn’t an excuse to drain those that try to be there for you. Because one day you’ll push away so hard and so much that they will meet their breaking point and actually stop trying. They stop trying to save you. That is why my past friendships and relationships have failed because I burdened those that I loved with the pain that I was carrying, not taking into consideration their own mental state. I believed no one loved me or I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve the love they were extending to me. So, I pushed them away until they had no choice but to actually step away. I really convinced myself I deserved to be alone and in pain until I actually was alone and in pain. Self sabotage. 

People that love you, care about how they make you feel

My failed relationships and friendships have really done a number on me. It causes me anxiety to let my friends help me, simply because I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself to just have regular sized problems to have them help me with. My issues are always colossal and inconvenient for everyone, so much that if they were to get involved they would run and not come back. So what do I do about my current relationships? I self sabotage. Not to drive them away because i want to, but actually to prevent them from getting too involved in the first place. So, I drive them away before they can get in too deep. To not only protect me from losing them but from ruining their own mental state because they’re so focused on me. I wouldn’t be a good friend if I knowingly drug them into my messy life, knowing what it could do. I know the signs, I know the patterns. I love them too much to let them crumble at my expense. My friends, currently, saved me from a grief so bad I would have let it kill me if they hadn’t pulled me out of it, but even then that was too much. I self sabotage because it’s what I am now wired to do. I first did it because I thought it would make it less painful for me when I decided I would intentionally hurt myself, and that since they were already detached it wouldn’t hurt them like I knew it would. Now, I do it because I’ve learned from my mistakes that losing my people the way I lost the last is not something I can bear to go through again. I will always continuously blame myself for how I broke my relationships with the people that meant the most to me. It is a grief I carry on my chest every single day, and it is unbearable and I don’t think it is something I will ever get over. So instead, I pull away before it even gets to that point. 

She saved me from a grief so bad I would have let it kill me

Kim Raver

My friends don’t understand because they just want to be there for me, but I can see what they can’t. I saw the same pattern in the past and those friends ended up resenting me and hating me because they just couldn’t do it anymore, and that was more painful than them just drifting from me because I let them. It’s dark and morbid if you think about it, but we all do it, in one way or another. This just happens to be my theory and my method of sabotage. I guess you could call it a method of coping or even a defense mechanism. 

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

A much needed farewell

You left me to die. Literally. 

You broke my heart and had the nerve to say I broke yours. 

You left because I was sick and had no control, 

but you didn’t care. 

You turned everyone against me and made me the only bad guy. 

Yeah, I did my dirt, but what about you? 

Huh? 

You weren’t perfect. You left me for dead, remember? 

I’ve been blaming myself for years, for something that wasn’t entirely my fault, 

it takes two to tell a lie. 

I cried over you. 

I cried for you. 

I hurt myself because of you. 

I hated myself for you. 

I wanted to die because of you, 

yet, I’m still sorry for something I didn’t do. 

You will never see me like you did before. 

I can’t come to terms with that. 

I thought I couldn’t cope without you, 

but here I am,

learning to cope without you.

You’re no longer something I need, just something I thought I wanted. 

And well, 

that isn’t good enough for me anymore. 

You’re dead to me. 

I don’t need you anymore. 

I know you wish I were dead, and although I don’t wish you were dead, you are, in fact, dead, 

to me. 

You were my everything, yet you threw me away like I was nothing. 

You didn’t look back, 

not once. 

You saw me at my worst and couldn’t handle it. 

I wondered for years why I ended up not being good enough for you, 

turns out, I was never good enough for you, 

nor will I ever be. 

This is me letting you go. 

I hurt enough for the both of us, 

but if I’m going to make it out alive, I need to be rid of you.

Im finally free.

Goodbye, for good.

 

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Sleep and SSRI’s

SSRI’s or Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors are antidepressants usually used to treat Major Depressive Disorder and anxiety disorders. Although antidepressants are extremely helpful, they do come with side effects just like every other drug you take. One of the many side effects that affects me tremendously is drowsiness. It is such a problem that it hinders my everyday life. I have to drink coffee just to keep me awake at 3pm in the afternoon. I will go to sleep at 6pm on Friday and won’t wake up until 6pm Saturday night most weekends. I get drowsy 30 minutes into driving so much, that I will have to roll the windows down in 20-degree weather just to keep my eyes open. I cannot seem to stay awake in class without some sort of caffeine. It is a real issue. Although I love my antidepressants, because they keep me a functional human being, and in a good mindset, I absolutely hate the sleepiness effect that it gives me. Most of the time, people think that I’m just depressed when I cancel plans or choose not to hang out, just so I can sleep, when in fact, I just can’t stay awake long enough to go out. I often choose sleep over school and homework, church, outings, or anything else really. Most days you’ll catch me in my bed asleep, and I cannot stand it. I used to love naps, and I would joke about napping all the time, but it isn’t a joke, and it’s no longer funny. I have talked about it with my psychiatrist a few times, but she cannot seem to find the issue other than it being a side effect of one of my medicines. I don’t want a second opinion because I’m afraid they will change up my “cocktail” of medications which seems to be the holy trinity right now. If any of you guys have or are experiencing similar problems with your medications and have found ways to help your symptoms of these side effects, please feel free to share, it would be greatly appreciated. With all that being said, my medicines are the best thing to happen to me, so I am in no one shaming antidepressants or antipsychotics, I just have a particular issue with one that is being very persistent and life interfering.  

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Having different mental illnesses

Having one mental illness can definitely lead to having another. Mental illnesses usually build on each other. For instance, if you have Depression, you are more likely to develop anxiety over any other mental illness (which is what happened to me), vice versa. Before I was started showing symptoms and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, I was only nervous about one thing, and that was public speaking, which is common fear for most of the population. However, after being diagnosed with Depression, I started to get nervous and antsy about everything for no reason. Simple things like talking on the phone to someone other than my mom and dad, terrified me. Public speaking became a phobia, not just a fear, at this point. I became obsessed with pleasing people, even if it hurt me, just so I could avoid conflict, I’d say yes to just about anything, which can be dangerous. I developed a constant tremor in my head and hands that causes me to naturally shake. I avoided anything that put the attention on me. I worry about things, sometimes up to 6 months in advance, which causes constant worry and distress. Of course, along with anxiety comes with anxiety attacks. I had never experienced an anxiety attack before, or so I thought. Every time I get stressed, which is everyday it seems like, I can’t short of breath, and my chest has the sharpest pain possible. It has been so bad, that I have gone to the Emergency Room a few times and have had a doctor tell me that he thought I was having a slight heart attack because that’s what my EKG showed, but because I am so young, and otherwise healthy, that wasn’t logical. It turns out I was having anxiety attacks.

With my anxiety came anxiety of taking any form of pill, which includes my daily medications. I had developed a Somatoform Disorder—- Illness Anxiety Disorder, which is formally known as hypochondriasis. For about a year I would take my medicine very month, and that is only if my parents were shoving it down my throat because I was so scared that I would feel nauseas, like I had when I first started taking the medicine. Nausea is a symptom of new medications, and I didn’t like how I would get nauseas every time I’d take it, so I just stopped taking them all together. Of course, that was detrimental to my treatment because I started to develop other physical symptoms that piggy backed off my Somatoform Disorder.

It took me a long time to convince my parents that I wasn’t ‘just’ over-exaggerating, but that It is an actual illness. Knowing my body, and wanting to get better, I got treatment for it.  Having multiple illnesses doesn’t make you weird, or a freak. Knowing you have them helps you get the treatment that you need.

Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

Breakups are hard. Should mental illness be used as leverage?

Breakups are never easy, whether they be friendships or romantic relationships. They ruin the glimpse of light we once had. They leave you sometimes broken, even years later. It isn’t easy coping with any type of breakup, and some handle it better than others, but wallowing in the loss of that special person, is detrimental to your mental health, and I should know, as I am still dealing with a breakup with my ex best friend that happened 2 years ago, and yet she has moved on completely.

I am doing so much better since the last time we spoke. It’s no secret that me and my mental illness were the reason for the ending of our friendship, and at the time I couldn’t see it because I blamed it solely on my mental illness. I was toxic to our friendship without even realizing. I made my problems her problems, and it took an obvious toll on her. I thought she was being hateful when she ended our friendship, but she was doing what was best for her own mental health. I was diminishing her mental health by sucking her into my illness. She will never get to know how much better I am doing, or all my accomplishments I have made in the most recent years, and I will never know hers.

Why am I still sad over it, you might ask? I am still very heartbroken because this person was my person. They were my shoulder to cry on, and the first person I thought about when I woke up. They were my absolute best friend. Some might’ve even called us family with how close were. We were never supposed to leave each other. She was going to be in my wedding, and I was going to be in hers, and now she wouldn’t flinch if something happened to me. It is so crazy how someone can go from being your everything to a stranger in the blink of an eye.

I wrote this post because some people feel they must stay in a toxic relationship with someone just because they’re mentally ill, and speaking from someone who is mentally ill, they should not fee obligated to stay in that relationship as it can be detrimental to their own mental health. Yes, it hurts when they leave because they promised they wouldn’t, but mental illness is serious, and some people just can’t handle it which is not a bad thing, at all. Do I miss our friendship? Absolutely. Do I wish she was still in my life? Of course. Will I ever move on? Eventually. But it is a process, one that took me longer than them. Mental illness should not be held over someone’s head, nor should it be overlooked.

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