Breakups are hard. Should mental illness be used as leverage?

Breakups are never easy, whether they be friendships or romantic relationships. They ruin the glimpse of light we once had. They leave you sometimes broken, even years later. It isn’t easy coping with any type of breakup, and some handle it better than others, but wallowing in the loss of that special person, is detrimental to your mental health, and I should know, as I am still dealing with a breakup with my ex best friend that happened 2 years ago, and yet she has moved on completely.

I am doing so much better since the last time we spoke. It’s no secret that me and my mental illness were the reason for the ending of our friendship, and at the time I couldn’t see it because I blamed it solely on my mental illness. I was toxic to our friendship without even realizing. I made my problems her problems, and it took an obvious toll on her. I thought she was being hateful when she ended our friendship, but she was doing what was best for her own mental health. I was diminishing her mental health by sucking her into my illness. She will never get to know how much better I am doing, or all my accomplishments I have made in the most recent years, and I will never know hers.

Why am I still sad over it, you might ask? I am still very heartbroken because this person was my person. They were my shoulder to cry on, and the first person I thought about when I woke up. They were my absolute best friend. Some might’ve even called us family with how close were. We were never supposed to leave each other. She was going to be in my wedding, and I was going to be in hers, and now she wouldn’t flinch if something happened to me. It is so crazy how someone can go from being your everything to a stranger in the blink of an eye.

I wrote this post because some people feel they must stay in a toxic relationship with someone just because they’re mentally ill, and speaking from someone who is mentally ill, they should not fee obligated to stay in that relationship as it can be detrimental to their own mental health. Yes, it hurts when they leave because they promised they wouldn’t, but mental illness is serious, and some people just can’t handle it which is not a bad thing, at all. Do I miss our friendship? Absolutely. Do I wish she was still in my life? Of course. Will I ever move on? Eventually. But it is a process, one that took me longer than them. Mental illness should not be held over someone’s head, nor should it be overlooked.

100 things that make me smile

  1. Beyoncé
  2. The office
  3. Iced chai tea latte
  4. Bullet journaling
  5. Blogging
  6. Finding money, I thought I had lost
  7. Seeing my family when I come home from school
  8. My mom and dad smile
  9. My best friends hugs
  10. Getting my nails done
  11. Art
  12. Buying new stationary
  13. Getting new clothes
  14. Finally paying off a bill
  15. Getting a good grade on a hard assignment/test
  16. Cuddling my dog
  17. Listening to a new album
  18. Getting a new phone case
  19. Reading devotionals
  20. Face masks
  21. Naps
  22. Scary movies
  23. Halloween
  24. Christmas
  25. Going to target
  26. Researching anything
  27. Cleaning my room
  28. Fresh sheets
  29. Candles
  30. Jesus
  31. Amusement parks
  32. Disney World
  33. Warm clothes
  34. Ice water
  35. Kerry Washington
  36. The show Scandal
  37. Smell of paint
  38. Makeup
  39. Glitter
  40. Talking to my mom on the phone
  41. A stocked fridge
  42. Crew necks & hoodies
  43. Going to the movies
  44. Cuddling
  45. Writing
  46. Football games
  47. Road trips
  48. Sherbert
  49. Dogs
  50. Doing my makeup
  51. Sunflowers
  52. Getting handwritten letters
  53. Writing handwritten letters
  54. Re-watching concert videos
  55. Rain
  56. Fall
  57. The mountains
  58. Old school music
  59. French fries
  60. The color blue
  61. The color black
  62. The color yellow
  63. Organizing
  64. Dr. Pepper
  65. Taking notes
  66. My book
  67. Getting my hair done
  68. Lash princess mascara
  69. Hanging out with my grandparents
  70. Falling in love
  71. Discovering new songs
  72. Cleaning out my emails
  73. The beach
  74. Summer
  75. A new fragrance
  76. Dainty necklaces
  77. Rings
  78. The Twilight series
  79. Marble
  80. Interior design shows
  81. Real Housewives of Atlanta
  82. Online shopping
  83. Payday
  84. A new pair of jeans
  85. Cheetah print
  86. Stars
  87. Documentaries
  88. Sweet tea
  89. Chick Fil A lemonade
  90. Slippers
  91. Kappa Delta
  92. Happy crying
  93. Raccoons
  94. My job
  95. Twitter
  96. Zaxby’s
  97. Strawberries
  98. Plums
  99. The Breakfast Club
  100. sunsets

Those are 100 things that make me cheese extra big. Comment below what makes you smile!

☆Bullet Journaling☆

I always talk about finding different ways of self-care to help better mental our mental health. I have found a new passion of mine and this bullet journaling, and I thought I would share that with y’all. Most people know what bullet journaling is, but just in case you don’t it is a creative journal you use to write down your past and see how you can do better. Planning you future and living in your present. There are many forms of bullet journaling. You can bullet journal for mental health, your job profession, or just for the heck of it. It is so relaxing and helps me organize what I need to do to get better in a more fun and creative way. Below are a few clips of my journal so far.



I have had so much fun planning out a bunch of stuff and being artsy. I am a very creative and visual person, so when I have a chance to make something that is not so fun, and make it creative, I do it. I challenge all of you to try bullet journaling to see if it is something you would be interested in. Whether it is for your mental health, organizing, or just to doodle because you’re bored. If it is something you are interested in, share it with your loved ones that you think would enjoy this. It is definitely a stress reliever for me. I hope you have a happy holidays!

An Update

I’ve not been myself lately, and it’s incredibly scary. I have gotten bad again. I was doing so good and then everything fell apart. Anything that could go wrong, did. My grades have slipped, and I haven’t had the motivation to even take a shower in days. I oversleep and miss my classes. and am late to work all the time. I don’t want to do anything except sleep. I used to be an honor student and all I want to do is drop out of college, to just sleep. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s the truth. It’s gotten so bad, that it’s dangerous for me to be alone. October 21, I attempted to take my own life. I was ready to die; still am because today November 1, I attempted to take my life again. I haven’t felt this low in about a year and I’m stuck on what to do. I’m drowning in sadness every time I wake up, and every second I spend breathing. I’m suffocating, and the pain in my heart is excruciating. No one around me seems to be phased because they have seen me like this before, just another “episode”, I guess. I have begged God every single night, not to wake me up the next morning. I have talked to him, and, asked him to give me strength to do simple things like get out of bed, brush my teeth, brush my hair, change my clothes, and do my homework. I feel like a burden to every single person I encounter. I’ve been down this road before and I came out on top, yet, here I am again, at the lowest point in my life. My health is deteriorating. I’m sick all the time, and I don’t seem to be getting better. I just want to get back to being able to do simple things without it taking everything out of me. I wrote this blog as an update and an apology. I’m very sorry to those of you who read my blog, and who I’ve let down with this update. Please don’t lose faith in me and continue to read my blog and gain encouragement as I continue to write this blog and gain encouragement. Those of you who are religious, please keep me in your prayers, and those of you who aren’t keep me in your thoughts. I’m struggling so bad right now, and the only thing on my mind, at this moment, is death. I just need peace.

An open letter to my mental illness

Everyone dealing with mental illness, deals with it differently. I, personally, have had a hard time coping with having one since I was diagnosed four years ago. I want to say I’m sorry for having an illness. I know I preach that you shouldn’t be ashamed to have a mental illness because you shouldn’t, and I know that, yet I find myself becoming a burden to people, and apologizing for it. I find myself getting annoyed at myself just for breathing. To be honest, I’m angry that I have a mental illness. It has brought nothing but darkness, pain, and negativity into my life. My people, the people I thought would be in my life forever, aren’t in my life anymore because they couldn’t take it. They couldn’t take the pain I was causing them. They couldn’t take the baggage I acquired because it was just too much. I have never been so alone in my entire life. Before, I only “felt” like I was alone because I couldn’t see that I had plenty of people around me who genuinely made me a priority to be in their lives. Now, I really am alone because everyone left.

Now, that I have gotten better, they’re gone. They can’t see how sorry I am for being the way that I am. They won’t hear me out long enough for me to apologize to because they simply don’t care, and that is there personal right to leave and not care. I run off everyone who comes in my direction because they can’t handle mental illness. My illness has broken down my body so much that I am everything but healthy. Medical bills add up, and insurance can only pay for so much. My poor parents don’t know what to do. I’ve become so unhealthy and sick that I feel like I’m dying. My medicine helps a lot, but it does make me feel numb to anything with emotion. I don’t cry when I’m on my medicine, even if I want to. But when I miss a dose or 4, then I’m on the brink of death again. You can’t win for losing. To my sorority sisters— the more you get to know me, the more you will find out how toxic and a burden I can be. I don’t know what more I can do to give my self-reassurance that you all won’t leave me, like everyone else did, because it isn’t a guarantee that you won’t. I’ve been down this road before.

My illness has made me a survivor, but it also made me a victim, and I’ll never forget that. I don’t know who to be mad at, so I take my anger out on myself, whether that be with self-harm, or negative comments towards myself. I miss the person I was before I was sick. I miss her so much. I would give anything to be my old self, have my old life back, and have my people back, but that’s not how life works, unfortunately. I will be on medicine for the rest of my life, and that is something I am trying to cope with. I know having mental illness is a handful, just like having cancer is a handful, but It still isn’t an ideal situation for anyone. I have had to come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to live a medicine free, happy and healthy life. I will always be the outcast because of my illness. This is an open letter to my mental illness, and with this I say, I hate you, Sincerely Me.

Sisterhood saved me

Monday, September 24, 2018 I become a part of a national sisterhood, Kappa Delta sorority of the Delta Pi Chapter. Just a week prior to me becoming a new member of KD, I was becoming suicidal again, and almost relapsed with self-harm after being 8 months clean. I was feeling very, very, very alone. I had been missing my daily dosage of my meds, so I was naturally feeling terrible. I wasn’t doing my homework, I was slacking on my blog, and I didn’t talk to anyone, except my parents. Although I am much better than I was a year ago, I still felt extremely low, and unhappy. It was even becoming dangerous for me to be alone.

The weekend I became a new member, I was surrounded by girls who I didn’t know from Eve. I was genuinely scared to go into sorority recruitment alone because I was afraid I would be rejected, and continue to feel not wanted. Everyone had a best friend they went into recruitment with, and of course, I was alone. That is until the weekend went by. I met the girls in my recruitment group, and I met the different girls in the different chapters (sororities). I went to the Kappa Delta house, still feeling nervous I would get rejected, and instantly my heart grew times ten. These, now, sweet sisters of mine welcomed me without even knowing me, open minds and open hearts. I walked into the house, and had a genuine vibe coming from these ladies. I was so scared I wouldn’t get invited back to their house because I had poured my heart out to one of the girls and cried to her about everything I was going through and why I wanted to join a sorority. I mean, after all, the reason I wanted to be in a sorority was so I could find a family away from my family, and people who will hold me when I can’t even stand up, and I was just terrified that my story would scare them off, but God, oh look at God. Bcause only He knew the joy that was coming my way.

The day I received my bid from Kappa Delta, was truly one of the best, emotional, breathtaking days of my life because I knew these girls would be the reason I wanted to live, and boy was I right. My sisters have known me since the 21st of September, and it is now only the 27th of September, and they are already my best friends. They are my purpose for living. They are the reason I will continue to go on, even when I don’t want to. These girls just don’t understand how much of an impact they have had on me in the past week. They have showered me with love, reassurance, and acceptance, everything I have been yearning for. They are my family away from my family, they are my people, and I will love them until I take my last breath. AOT forever.

the Buddy Project!!

Thank you guys for being so patient with me while I have been away, but I am coming back with some good news that I am so excited to share. I have been selected to be the campus representative for my school on behalf of the Buddy Project, a mental health organization that raises awareness for mental illness and suicide prevention.

Different students from different schools whether it be college, middle, or high school apply to be the representative for their school, and there is usually only one per Institution, and I applied for my college and was selected as the rep for my school. I cannot explain my excitement for this opportunity. I get to help raise awareness to my campus and its students on mental health/illness, something that is not talked about at my school, or any school for that matter. I can do fundraisers, talks, panels, activities, health fairs, or anything really that benefits The Buddy Project and mental illness.

Since I have gotten better throughout my recovery process, I have discovered a love for helping those who are also struggling with mental illness like I am. I find every opportunity to advocate for mental health and it makes me extremely happy when I get to respectfully educate others on the severity and importance of mental illness. I’ve not only educated strangers, but family and friends too. This is something I am so proud to be apart of and wanted to share with you as one of my first blogs back from my short break. If you want to know more about this opportunity, please feel free to contact me if you want to apply to be a rep for your school or campus. Applications close in mid-August, I believe.

Don’t forget to like, follow, and share, xoxo

Picture rights to The Buddy Project.

An update

Hey guys, its been a while since I’ve blogged. I’ve bit off more than I can chew going into my sophomore year of college, financially. I just had a breakdown and thought about relapsing. I just sat in silence, numb. Wanting to take something sharp to my skin. I’ve been doing so good since I was first diagnosed with my mental illness 4 years ago. I have come a long way, and for me to break down like I just did is scary. This is only an update, as I will have my blog posts up running again, regularly, soon. I am announcing I’m officially starting the process of writing my memoir. Crazy, right?! I couldn’t believe it either. I am asking a huge favor of you guys if you could donate $5 each, if you can, to help pay for my memoir from anyone and everyone who can, and I will donate half of that to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I am doing this to not only help myself by publishing my story, hardships and triumphs with mental illness as a black woman, but to donate to the AFSP because many people with mental illness don’t believe they can do some of the stuff I’m blessed to be able to do, like go to a post secondary school because of fear of being judged and not enough funds to pay for it, so if you can, it would mean the world, if not, that is okay too, just spread the word! My paypal username will be listed below if you’d like to donate, and I will add a special thanks to you in my memoir.

Don’t forget to like, share, and follow, xoxo

Paypal username:

Taylor’s Interview Feature

The Bipolar Writer Mental Health Blog

Many of us in the mental illness community can trace our “story” from the very beginnings, and many stories start when we were teenagers. In my own experience when I was a teenager, I never wanted people to know, or to tell my story. I wonder all the time what would have happened if had gotten help as a teenager? That is what makes Taylor’s story— a young woman from Knoxville, Tennessee— all the more amazing. At age nineteen Taylor has already been through so much, and yet she was willing the be featured on the Bipolar Writer blog, this is Taylor’s story. One we can all learn a few things from her journey.

(Taylor’s blog)

Taylor’s Interview Feature

When a journey begins, it is usually at the point where life and mental illness starts crashing into one another. Taylor’s journey begins four years ago in 2014, with a…

View original post 1,182 more words

Create a free website or blog at

Up ↑