A mental health update

I’m going to be honest. I do not feel worthy, and I haven’t felt worthy in a very long time. I have fought back and forth with myself, for a minute now, and I don’t really know what to do. I contemplated writing this post because I’m supposed to be strong for you all, my sisters, my family, my friends, but the truth is, I am the weakest one. I played the strong role for so long now, and I’m tired. I’m exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotional. I’m fighting as hard as I can, for as long as I can. The people around me continue to ask me, every single day, if I am okay, and I continue to tell them I’m fine, time and time again. But I’m not. I’m really not.

My friends and family are my world, and to see them hurt, makes me hurt. I actually don’t mind to take on their problems for a few reasons, one being it takes my mind off of my own, and another reason because it makes me feel warm. It fills my heart with so much joy when the people I love trust me enough to tell me their baggage.

The people in my life, see me as this weak individual to feel sorry for, not in a bad way per say. They know my weaknesses, and they see when I’m declining, which is quite frequently. They see me at my worst, and it makes me feel at my worst. I constantly play my funeral on a loop in my head every day. I don’t feel suicidal necessarily, I just wonder who would care if I disappeared, died even? I want to feel worthy and loved again. I feel like I am not worthy of the life that I have been given, I don’t want the life I’ve been given anymore. Everyday is a constant battle between me and my demons and I’m tired, I’m so tired. I try to wake up everyday and do my very best, but my very best just isn’t good enough. I need a break, I want a break, or I’m going to break. I’m so numb, I need to feel something again. My heart is in constant ache and agony, and it doesn’t go away. It feels like I can’t breathe. My ribs hurt. I just need to feel something

Photo by Charles 🇵🇭 on Unsplash

Anxiety, Apathy, and Angst

I haven’t posted in about 4 months for a few reasons, but I’m only going to talk about one of those reasons in this post. These past few months have been steady, in terms of my mental health, for the most part. Of course, those good, steady moments come with a price, and that price is a relapse or two, or just sinking into yet another pit hole of depression. Although I have been doing good, mentally, for the most part, a part of me has been feeling empty. There is a huge void and an insurgence of apathy in my heart that just won’t seem to go away. Something is eating me alive every day. Could it be the past or current trauma I have? Absolutely. Or could it just simply be my mental illnesses telling me how unworthy I am of life? Yes, it very well might be. What I don’t understand is, why now? I am starting school off on the right foot, and I have taken my medication every day, so what is the issue? Why do I still feel like I m unworthy of God’s love or this life he has given me?

There is a deep hatred in my heart right now for many things. I am hurting deeply, and still yearning for the love I feel like I’m not receiving. I don’t want to die, and no I don’t feel suicidal. I do, however, want to feel something. Even though I’m feeling alone, I feel numb to everything. There are so many changes happening, right now, around me and I truly cannot cope. I have already relapsed, in terms of self-harm, but it doesn’t mean I’m trying to die, because I’m not. I’m just trying to feel something. I feel that people don’t care about me anymore. As dumb as that sounds, it’s how I feel. Of course I have those close to me tell me they love me and are sending prayers and good vibes my way, which is much appreciated, but sometimes that isn’t enough when your mental illnesses are telling you those people are lying to you, or that you are not worthy of the love they may be genuinely trying to give you.

I came to a hard realization today that I will go through the rest of my life heavily medicated. I kept sitting there, numb, thinking how unfair it was that I can’t have a simple, stable conversation with someone else without being on narcotics. I think I’m just resentful towards myself because I feel, think, and act the way I do causing me to be on medication. I think that is why I self-harm, to punish myself in any way possible because I’m so angry that I have to endure so much pain. But then my mind also tells me that I don’t deserve to feel this way because there are people out there with more worse problems than me, so I subconsciously punish myself for that too. The whole goal of this post was to bring self-awareness to the fact, that I am having trouble loving myself fully and wholeheartedly. I just bottle it up and am too paranoid to go to even my best friends and vent to them because I’m fearful they’ll run too, and I just can’t lose them too, I just can’t. It is a journey that I am continuing, to beat these illnesses, and yes, I said beat because mental illness is a cancer or disease of the mind, that has no cure, just a treatment. I’m trying to be positive, but I am hurting, so I needed to vent in a healthy way. Remember my door is always open to listen the feedback you all give me, or whatever you guys may be going through. We are in this together.

Photo by Camila Quintero Franco on Unsplash

Signs & symptoms of mental illness

When a medical professional diagnosis someone with a mental illness, they use a book, the DSM 5, to look up a list of symptoms that match the theory that they have about which mental illness their patient is experiencing. Below I am going to list the different symptoms that either myself, my family, or my friends noticed about me which later got me diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and now PTSD. I wrote a post similar to this back n April, but I didn’t go into detail, so here is an updated version of that post.

  1. I was irritable 24/7- According to my parents, any and everything set me off. No matter how big or how small the inconvenience was, I couldn’t cope with the change, I would just blow up. I also started to notice this in myself; I would try and suppress those emotions, but I found myself constantly getting pissed off at every little thing that came into my path.
  2. Morbid thoughts- My thoughts were extremely morbid. I would think of different ways of how one person could do, and every scenario possible would play in my head every day. It was very unhealthy. I was pessimistic about every-thing, nothing was every good enough in the world.
  3. Thoughts of suicide- The obvious symptom of my specific mental illness was thoughts of wanting to hurt or kill myself.
  4. Self-harm-self harm can be used for a few different reasons, for different people, with different illnesses. I would self-harm every single day, and wore long sleeves frequently, including in the summer.
  5. Body aches-My body was just aching all of the time, I didn’t hardly want to move out of bed because the pain was equivalent to a bone break.
  6. Sleeping 12+ hours a day-I slept and still sleep at least 12 hours every day. Before the anti-depressants I was so fatigued, you would have thought I had worked four 12 hour shifts in four days, but I wasn’t, I hadn’t one anything but simply go to school, or go to practice. I didn’t hang out with my friends anymore, so I wasn’t ever out unless I was at cheer or school, so that was concerning.
  7. Anxiety-Depression and anxiety usually go hand in hand, but of course anxiety can be comorbid with any other type of mental illness. I noticed my heart fluttering more and more. I was terribly nervous about everything I did. I equivalated my anxiety to waking up every day, and feeling like I had to give a presentation, except, I felt like that every minute I was awake.
  8. People pleasing- people pleasing is a common trait of most people, but there comes a point to where it has to stop when it starts to affect your mental health. Personally, I would do whatever it took to keep peace in my family’s household, even if that meant making myself feel terrible about situations that had nothing to do with me.
  9. Stress-I stressed so much to where I would raise my blood pressure to stroke level. I had to go to the ER because I thought I was having a panic attack and didn’t know what to do, and the trauma doctor told me my V waves resembled that of a heart attack. I would worry about things way before it was even time to worry. I would also make other people’s problems my problems
  10. Trembling-I would find myself shaking all the time because I was so nervous.
  11. Feelings of apathy/emptiness-nothing made e happy anymore, not even the things I cherished the most, that was scary to feel.
  12. Decreased appetite-I ate like a rabbit, not being of my eating disorder, but because I genuinely was not hungry. It’s almost like my appetite was suppressed, I was literally so sad I couldn’t eat.

These symptoms are specific to me and my illnesses but also generic enough that they can be found in other mental illnesses. I hope this list gives you a bit of insight of some of the more common symptoms of mental illness.

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A poll:

I really value the opinions of my readers, so much. I have taken the past 3 weeks to reflect on my time in a psychiatric hospital recently, and I have my pros and cons. Some pros being the amazing people you get to meet, the treatment you receive, and the reflection you make upon yourself during your stay. Some cons being, your freedom is taken away, you’re isolated from the people you love, and It can be a very scary environment. What I want to hear from you all is what your opinions are on psychiatric (in-patient) hospitals, and if you have ever been admitted into one, and what was your experience? Let me know below in the comments!

I almost fell victim to suicide, again

This is a very hard post to write because I feel like I have failed you all, in a sense. Tuesday April 23rd, I was hospitalized for attempting to kill myself via overdose. It was my first inpatient experience since battling mental illness. I have been sent to the ER many times, but never hospitalized in a psychiatric facility. I had little to no contact with my family, it was, no doubt, the scariest moment of my life. I am going to be as honest and as raw as I can with this, so I can send the message that while, I thought I was “supposed” to have to together because I run a mental health blog, that that doesn’t mean I still don’t have a mental illness.

I had not been taking my meds regularly and so it was building up as days went by. Certain events in my life caused me to go over the edge, but not being on my meds definitely triggered the explosion. I was staying at the sorority house for two weeks because I had a meltdown at one of our events, and my sisters wouldn’t let me go home until I felt safe. They nurtured me, and loved me, even when I didn’t want their love, all I wanted to do was to die. Week 2 of staying at the sorority house, and I needed to go back to my house to get a change of clothes. A sister dropped me off at home for a few hours to gather my things and do some laundry. I didn’t last even 2 hours in my house alone, before I tried to kill myself. I called her and she rushed back over to find me weak, lethargic, and cleaning vomit out of my carpet. What stopped me from succeeding, you might ask? Gag reflex. That’s it. No revelation, no coming to Jesus moment, nothing. Just something as simple as I couldn’t get every pill I had, down, before my stomach had enough, so I was admitted. I was taken to the hospital in a police car with my school’s counselor and her boss. They were the absolute best because I was scared out of my mind. I didn’t want to leave my sisters, I missed my parents, I was alone, I just wanted to die even more.

I had never been in a psychiatric hospital before, so the admissions process was scary. The counselors did all of the work, as I was just sitting there staring blankly at the walls. I was cold, sad, and scared. I remember the last thing my therapist said to me before she walked out. She said, “I have only sent kids here, I have not actually been here. I came with you because you deserve to not want to die, and I wanted to make sure you got that experience.” As she said those words to me, a single tear fell down her face, and I was in shock. I was thinking to myself, “this is really happening”. Days went by and I wanted to go home even more. My grandad and my parents came to see me. I have never seen such pitiful looks on their faces before. They were heartbroken, and just did not know what to do at this point. This was the first time I had ever seen my mom cry in front of me. That broke me. That week I was also diagnosed with PTSD along with my other diagnoses I already had. I was terrified when the Dr. told me this. I was thinking what’s wrong with me? What have I gotten myself into? This can’t be the same Taylor that was here 3 weeks ago, it just can’t be. But it was. This is who I am, and this is who I’ll continue to be, but there is nothing wrong with that. I have struggled with mental illness for 6 years now, and I have accepted the fact that I will continue to do for the rest of my life. I will keep fighting for the rest of my life. A scary realization I had never had until I was inpatient, was that I never really processed the fact that I almost died, genuinely almost died. My Dr. told me, he couldn’t let me go home when I wanted to, because I would have been dead if I hadn’t thrown up. He told me my parents would have been planning my funeral, and that was a gruesome reality that I just couldn’t cope with. I couldn’t do that to my family, my friends, my sisters.

The whole reason I even made this post was because I had this perception of myself, that I was supposed to be perfect because I have a blog that helps people, but as I have stated before, and as the title of this blog, I am in my road to recovery. I make make mistakes, and yes, I too, relapse. I was so scared to blog about this because I didn’t want anyone reading to think any less of me, but I would actually be doing a disservice by not telling you all. Please just know you are not alone. That seems to be the go-to phrase of everyone who tells you it’s going to be okay, but its true. I am going to be okay, and you’re going to be okay. We are taking treatment one day at a time. Healing is not linear. Know that you are loved and there are so many reasons to keep going. If you can’t find a reason, use me, I’m your reason because I’d be devastated if you were not here.

National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

I hate nothing about you

I have talked about previously, what it’s like dealing with heartache and heartbreak with a friend, but what I haven’t talk about yet is what it’s like being “in love”, whether it’s the first time or the fourth time. Love is very cliché and complicated, but extremely unique to your own experience. Everyone experiences loving someone differently

When you are in love with that special person, your person, everything they do, you do. But also, everything they feel, you feel. You take on that person’s pain, which is essentially what you signed up for. You do things for them you wouldn’t normally do. Your judgment is impaired, almost as if you were intoxicated. When you love this person, you end up baring your soul to them. You’d truly do anything for them. They can do no wrong in your eyes, they are perfect. Until one day they’re not. They cheat on you, hurt you, leave you or choose someone else, and yet your love for them doesn’t waiver. You’re left wondering why you aren’t good enough for him or her. You gave this person your heart, and they broke it and left. You’d give your life for this person and yet they still left you. They say they love you, but the truth is, they love the attention you give them, but it isn’t reciprocated. The love you have for them is so much more aggressive then the love they have for you. You lie awake at night, every night, wondering why, just why they don’t love you back. The pain physically hurts in your chest because you just can’t breathe without this person. They left a void in you that no one else will fill. Your heart is broken because you just had to fall in love.

Something I have had to learn is that some people will never love you the same way that you love them. Many people have explained to me that it’ll get better, the heartache gets easier, but if you truly love someone that feeing will never truly go away. Whenever that person needs you, despite what they did to you, you’d be there. They will never understand the hatred you have developed in your heart because of how much distress they put you through. Love is a dangerous thing. It can help you or harm you. I write this post to say heart break is normal, being in love is normal, and you will essentially get through this phase. I have to constantly tell myself it’ll be okay, and that I am capable of being loved, bu I do also know it feels like you’re not capable of being loved by someone, but I’m reassuring you, that you are. We’re all going to get through this, we just have to keep on keepin’ on.

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An update

Hi guys, I want to first, start off, by apologizing for not blogging for 2 months. I have been really busy with school, sorority life, and trying to take care of myself, essentially. Neverthelesss, that isn’t an excuse to not keep you all updated and to not keep this blog updated. A little update: I went through a self-harm relapse and suicidal ideations. I skipped a few doses of my medication, non- intentionally, but it still happened. I have missed blogging, and this is one of the reasons I started a blog, so I could cope with my own mental illness, while helping others cope with their own. I want this to be an outlet for all of us, but to do that I actually have to blog, even when I particularly don’t feel like doing it. With that being said I am going to try my very hardest to blog more frequently these next few weeks, hopefully one a week, and even more frequently once classes are done with. Again, I apologize for my absence, and I am going to try my very best to not let that happen again. I hope you guys are coping well, taking care of yourselves, and doing what you need to do to stay healthy mentally and physically.

A much needed farewell

You left me to die. Literally. 

You broke my heart and had the nerve to say I broke yours. 

You left because I was sick and had no control, 

but you didn’t care. 

You turned everyone against me and made me the only bad guy. 

Yeah, I did my dirt, but what about you? 

Huh? 

You weren’t perfect. You left me for dead, remember? 

I’ve been blaming myself for years, for something that wasn’t entirely my fault, 

it takes two to tell a lie. 

I cried over you. 

I cried for you. 

I hurt myself because of you. 

I hated myself for you. 

I wanted to die because of you, 

yet, I’m still sorry for something I didn’t do. 

You will never see me like you did before. 

I can’t come to terms with that. 

I thought I couldn’t cope without you, 

but here I am,

learning to cope without you.

You’re no longer something I need, just something I thought I wanted. 

And well, 

that isn’t good enough for me anymore. 

You’re dead to me. 

I don’t need you anymore. 

I know you wish I were dead, and although I don’t wish you were dead, you are, in fact, dead, 

to me. 

You were my everything, yet you threw me away like I was nothing. 

You didn’t look back, 

not once. 

You saw me at my worst and couldn’t handle it. 

I wondered for years why I ended up not being good enough for you, 

turns out, I was never good enough for you, 

nor will I ever be. 

This is me letting you go. 

I hurt enough for the both of us, 

but if I’m going to make it out alive, I need to be rid of you.

Im finally free.

Goodbye, for good.

 

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The big news is…..

Hello beautiful people! I had some exciting news that I wanted to share with y’all, and it’s kind of late and behind, but better late than never. The news is…….. 

 

I came out with my first book! It is a memoir about living with mental illness, and everything I have endured and went through from the beginning of my diagnosis when I was 15, to now, me being 19. It is very raw and descriptive, as I wanted to give my all to you guys. It was very scary to write it, as anyone is able to read it, instead of just the Wordpress community. It is on Amazon, and kindle e-book. It’s not very long, but it has a lot of material, that I am extremely proud of. I came out with my book in November, yet I am just now telling you all. I apologize for the late exposure, as you guys should have been the first to know. If y’all could spread the word, or possibly buy the book, it would mean so much. Your support has always encouraged and inspired me, so I hope I make you guys proud with this memoir. Thank y’all again for the inspiration you gave me to write this book. Go and purchase! 🙂 

Link: https://www.amazon.com/Road-Recovery-experience-mental-illness/dp/1790160421/ref=nodl_

Photo by Nicole Honeywill on Unsplash

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