Trauma created from self sabotage

Do you ever find yourself pushing away those that are trying to help you, but you’re not sure why? You always crave that love and attention from your loved ones because you want to feel wanted and needed, but when they interject and try to help you just push them away … why is that? I have a theory. We don’t feel we deserve what they’re giving us. We want it, but we know we don’t deserve it, for many reasons that may not even be related. We self sabotage for sure, and it builds wedges in our relationships that we may not be so lucky enough to get back one day. Sometimes that loved one gets tired also and can’t take the constant pushback they get from us, so it’s less painful to just walk away. I personally feel that is how a lot of my relationships fail. Not because our season was just up, or we grew apart, but because I ruined it, I self sabotaged it, I broke us.

I have spent the last few years of my life wondering why so many people left. I always thought if you loved someone you’re supposed to be in it for the long haul no matter how much pain and angst it causes in the relationship. Loving someone with a mental illness is hard, it is in no way easy or light hearted. Everyone has mental health, and everyone has to take care of their own. I do believe my friends in my past friendships loved me, but they got tired. They didn’t know what to do, so the easiest thing for them to do was just to walk away because they needed to do what was best for them. Yes, it broke me, yes it hurt, yes it shaped the way I enter new relationships now, but I did this to myself. Not every person does this, but me, personally, I hurt a lot of people, whether it was intentional or not. I was sick, I am sick, however, that isn’t an excuse to drain those that try to be there for you. Because one day you’ll push away so hard and so much that they will meet their breaking point and actually stop trying. They stop trying to save you. That is why my past friendships and relationships have failed because I burdened those that I loved with the pain that I was carrying, not taking into consideration their own mental state. I believed no one loved me or I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve the love they were extending to me. So, I pushed them away until they had no choice but to actually step away. I really convinced myself I deserved to be alone and in pain until I actually was alone and in pain. Self sabotage. 

People that love you, care about how they make you feel

My failed relationships and friendships have really done a number on me. It causes me anxiety to let my friends help me, simply because I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself to just have regular sized problems to have them help me with. My issues are always colossal and inconvenient for everyone, so much that if they were to get involved they would run and not come back. So what do I do about my current relationships? I self sabotage. Not to drive them away because i want to, but actually to prevent them from getting too involved in the first place. So, I drive them away before they can get in too deep. To not only protect me from losing them but from ruining their own mental state because they’re so focused on me. I wouldn’t be a good friend if I knowingly drug them into my messy life, knowing what it could do. I know the signs, I know the patterns. I love them too much to let them crumble at my expense. My friends, currently, saved me from a grief so bad I would have let it kill me if they hadn’t pulled me out of it, but even then that was too much. I self sabotage because it’s what I am now wired to do. I first did it because I thought it would make it less painful for me when I decided I would intentionally hurt myself, and that since they were already detached it wouldn’t hurt them like I knew it would. Now, I do it because I’ve learned from my mistakes that losing my people the way I lost the last is not something I can bear to go through again. I will always continuously blame myself for how I broke my relationships with the people that meant the most to me. It is a grief I carry on my chest every single day, and it is unbearable and I don’t think it is something I will ever get over. So instead, I pull away before it even gets to that point. 

She saved me from a grief so bad I would have let it kill me

Kim Raver

My friends don’t understand because they just want to be there for me, but I can see what they can’t. I saw the same pattern in the past and those friends ended up resenting me and hating me because they just couldn’t do it anymore, and that was more painful than them just drifting from me because I let them. It’s dark and morbid if you think about it, but we all do it, in one way or another. This just happens to be my theory and my method of sabotage. I guess you could call it a method of coping or even a defense mechanism. 

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

What’s going on in my head right now

As I am typing this with shaking hands, I find myself almost going backwards, not within just my blog, but my life. I thought since my very first blog post back in 2017, I would have progressed with my mental illness. Being an advocate, I know that’s not completely realistic, but I thought I would be different, for some reason–exempt, from every painful thing that came along with my mental illness. But if I am being completely open and honest on my platform right now, I feel sick to my stomach right now. The pain in my chest is overwhelming, and I can’t take it anymore. The suicidal ideations are consuming every thought I have of everyday. I’m scared of myself If I am being quite honest. My body aches from the mental agony I am in. Breathing is too much right now, and it hurts. I just want everything to stop, I want to stop, forever. Nothing brings me joy anymore, and everything I do seems to be a chore. Getting up in the mornings feels like climbing Mount Everest. Driving to doctors appointments, work or anything else feels like I am training for a marathon. This pain is so unbearable, and I wouldn’t wish the pain of having a mental illness on anyone. I am around people everyday, whether that be friends, family, coworkers, strangers– anyone really, I still feel completely and utterly alone. I can’t go to anyone without being a burden, so what even is the point anymore. What is the point of waking up everyday to just feel constant heartache. I am too much for anyone to deal with, and I have come to realize that. Of course, it bothered me at first because I just couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t good enough, even for my friends or family, but now I am just numb to it and everything else in  between. I constantly replay this question in my head, “who would actually care if i died right now?”, and then I answered my own question, “no one”. It sounds dumb, I’m sure, because the obvious answer to everyone else would be, of course Id be upset, but they’re only upset because I am no longer here and thats the natural response to someone dying, because if anyone cared, I would not feel the need to want to end my life. I am angry with God. Every night I talk to God about how I’m feeling as I am staring at my ceiling, and I ask him to “not let me see the light of tomorrow”. Ironic since I used to wake up every morning thanking Him for letting me see another day, and now I just crave eternal peace. It’s scary because I never thought I’d get here again, but here I am. I have become scared of myself because this isn’t me, but when people become sick and tired of being sick and tired, they do something about it. I just want the pain, everything, it all to stop. 

This is what is in my head right now. This is to show that mental illness is definitely not a “brave thing” to have happen to you. It doesn’t deserve to be romanticized, and yes even though I write positive posts about overcoming my illness, I actively still want and think about dying almost everyday. It’s something that eats at me everyday, and waking up everyday battling this illness is like playing Russian roulette with life. I feel defeated and I am just so very tired. Checking on your friends that are battling different mental illnesses or mental illness at all, is so essential, as essential as water because their life is constantly on the line. It is hard to have someone dealing with this in your life because it drains your energy and positivity because you’re so focused on that one person who just wants to die all of the time. I would know because a lot of my friends did not stick around because the struggle was too much to handle, and to a point i understand it. Mental illness is heavy, and watching someone you care about go through it can be gut wrenching, but also if you’re not there for them, who will be? If you’re in the right headspace to listen to this person in your life, I promise it makes the world of a difference. You could be their saving grace.

Photo by Volkan Olmez on Unsplash

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