Trauma created from self sabotage

Do you ever find yourself pushing away those that are trying to help you, but you’re not sure why? You always crave that love and attention from your loved ones because you want to feel wanted and needed, but when they interject and try to help you just push them away … why is that? I have a theory. We don’t feel we deserve what they’re giving us. We want it, but we know we don’t deserve it, for many reasons that may not even be related. We self sabotage for sure, and it builds wedges in our relationships that we may not be so lucky enough to get back one day. Sometimes that loved one gets tired also and can’t take the constant pushback they get from us, so it’s less painful to just walk away. I personally feel that is how a lot of my relationships fail. Not because our season was just up, or we grew apart, but because I ruined it, I self sabotaged it, I broke us.

I have spent the last few years of my life wondering why so many people left. I always thought if you loved someone you’re supposed to be in it for the long haul no matter how much pain and angst it causes in the relationship. Loving someone with a mental illness is hard, it is in no way easy or light hearted. Everyone has mental health, and everyone has to take care of their own. I do believe my friends in my past friendships loved me, but they got tired. They didn’t know what to do, so the easiest thing for them to do was just to walk away because they needed to do what was best for them. Yes, it broke me, yes it hurt, yes it shaped the way I enter new relationships now, but I did this to myself. Not every person does this, but me, personally, I hurt a lot of people, whether it was intentional or not. I was sick, I am sick, however, that isn’t an excuse to drain those that try to be there for you. Because one day you’ll push away so hard and so much that they will meet their breaking point and actually stop trying. They stop trying to save you. That is why my past friendships and relationships have failed because I burdened those that I loved with the pain that I was carrying, not taking into consideration their own mental state. I believed no one loved me or I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve the love they were extending to me. So, I pushed them away until they had no choice but to actually step away. I really convinced myself I deserved to be alone and in pain until I actually was alone and in pain. Self sabotage. 

People that love you, care about how they make you feel

My failed relationships and friendships have really done a number on me. It causes me anxiety to let my friends help me, simply because I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself to just have regular sized problems to have them help me with. My issues are always colossal and inconvenient for everyone, so much that if they were to get involved they would run and not come back. So what do I do about my current relationships? I self sabotage. Not to drive them away because i want to, but actually to prevent them from getting too involved in the first place. So, I drive them away before they can get in too deep. To not only protect me from losing them but from ruining their own mental state because they’re so focused on me. I wouldn’t be a good friend if I knowingly drug them into my messy life, knowing what it could do. I know the signs, I know the patterns. I love them too much to let them crumble at my expense. My friends, currently, saved me from a grief so bad I would have let it kill me if they hadn’t pulled me out of it, but even then that was too much. I self sabotage because it’s what I am now wired to do. I first did it because I thought it would make it less painful for me when I decided I would intentionally hurt myself, and that since they were already detached it wouldn’t hurt them like I knew it would. Now, I do it because I’ve learned from my mistakes that losing my people the way I lost the last is not something I can bear to go through again. I will always continuously blame myself for how I broke my relationships with the people that meant the most to me. It is a grief I carry on my chest every single day, and it is unbearable and I don’t think it is something I will ever get over. So instead, I pull away before it even gets to that point. 

She saved me from a grief so bad I would have let it kill me

Kim Raver

My friends don’t understand because they just want to be there for me, but I can see what they can’t. I saw the same pattern in the past and those friends ended up resenting me and hating me because they just couldn’t do it anymore, and that was more painful than them just drifting from me because I let them. It’s dark and morbid if you think about it, but we all do it, in one way or another. This just happens to be my theory and my method of sabotage. I guess you could call it a method of coping or even a defense mechanism. 

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

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