What’s going on in my head right now

As I am typing this with shaking hands, I find myself almost going backwards, not within just my blog, but my life. I thought since my very first blog post back in 2017, I would have progressed with my mental illness. Being an advocate, I know that’s not completely realistic, but I thought I would be different, for some reason–exempt, from every painful thing that came along with my mental illness. But if I am being completely open and honest on my platform right now, I feel sick to my stomach right now. The pain in my chest is overwhelming, and I can’t take it anymore. The suicidal ideations are consuming every thought I have of everyday. I’m scared of myself If I am being quite honest. My body aches from the mental agony I am in. Breathing is too much right now, and it hurts. I just want everything to stop, I want to stop, forever. Nothing brings me joy anymore, and everything I do seems to be a chore. Getting up in the mornings feels like climbing Mount Everest. Driving to doctors appointments, work or anything else feels like I am training for a marathon. This pain is so unbearable, and I wouldn’t wish the pain of having a mental illness on anyone. I am around people everyday, whether that be friends, family, coworkers, strangers– anyone really, I still feel completely and utterly alone. I can’t go to anyone without being a burden, so what even is the point anymore. What is the point of waking up everyday to just feel constant heartache. I am too much for anyone to deal with, and I have come to realize that. Of course, it bothered me at first because I just couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t good enough, even for my friends or family, but now I am just numb to it and everything else in  between. I constantly replay this question in my head, “who would actually care if i died right now?”, and then I answered my own question, “no one”. It sounds dumb, I’m sure, because the obvious answer to everyone else would be, of course Id be upset, but they’re only upset because I am no longer here and thats the natural response to someone dying, because if anyone cared, I would not feel the need to want to end my life. I am angry with God. Every night I talk to God about how I’m feeling as I am staring at my ceiling, and I ask him to “not let me see the light of tomorrow”. Ironic since I used to wake up every morning thanking Him for letting me see another day, and now I just crave eternal peace. It’s scary because I never thought I’d get here again, but here I am. I have become scared of myself because this isn’t me, but when people become sick and tired of being sick and tired, they do something about it. I just want the pain, everything, it all to stop. 

This is what is in my head right now. This is to show that mental illness is definitely not a “brave thing” to have happen to you. It doesn’t deserve to be romanticized, and yes even though I write positive posts about overcoming my illness, I actively still want and think about dying almost everyday. It’s something that eats at me everyday, and waking up everyday battling this illness is like playing Russian roulette with life. I feel defeated and I am just so very tired. Checking on your friends that are battling different mental illnesses or mental illness at all, is so essential, as essential as water because their life is constantly on the line. It is hard to have someone dealing with this in your life because it drains your energy and positivity because you’re so focused on that one person who just wants to die all of the time. I would know because a lot of my friends did not stick around because the struggle was too much to handle, and to a point i understand it. Mental illness is heavy, and watching someone you care about go through it can be gut wrenching, but also if you’re not there for them, who will be? If you’re in the right headspace to listen to this person in your life, I promise it makes the world of a difference. You could be their saving grace.

Photo by Volkan Olmez on Unsplash

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