I’m going to be honest. I do not feel worthy, and I haven’t felt worthy in a very long time. I have fought back and forth with myself, for a minute now, and I don’t really know what to do. I contemplated writing this post because I’m supposed to be strong for you all, my sisters, my family, my friends, but the truth is, I am the weakest one. I played the strong role for so long now, and I’m tired. I’m exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotional. I’m fighting as hard as I can, for as long as I can. The people around me continue to ask me, every single day, if I am okay, and I continue to tell them I’m fine, time and time again. But I’m not. I’m really not.

My friends and family are my world, and to see them hurt, makes me hurt. I actually don’t mind to take on their problems for a few reasons, one being it takes my mind off of my own, and another reason because it makes me feel warm. It fills my heart with so much joy when the people I love trust me enough to tell me their baggage.

The people in my life, see me as this weak individual to feel sorry for, not in a bad way per say. They know my weaknesses, and they see when I’m declining, which is quite frequently. They see me at my worst, and it makes me feel at my worst. I constantly play my funeral on a loop in my head every day. I don’t feel suicidal necessarily, I just wonder who would care if I disappeared, died even? I want to feel worthy and loved again. I feel like I am not worthy of the life that I have been given, I don’t want the life I’ve been given anymore. Everyday is a constant battle between me and my demons and I’m tired, I’m so tired. I try to wake up everyday and do my very best, but my very best just isn’t good enough. I need a break, I want a break, or I’m going to break. I’m so numb, I need to feel something again. My heart is in constant ache and agony, and it doesn’t go away. It feels like I can’t breathe. My ribs hurt. I just need to feel something

Photo by Charles 🇵🇭 on Unsplash

I haven’t posted in about 4 months for a few reasons, but I’m only going to talk about one of those reasons in this post. These past few months have been steady, in terms of my mental health, for the most part. Of course, those good, steady moments come with a price, and that price is a relapse or two, or just sinking into yet another pit hole of depression. Although I have been doing good, mentally, for the most part, a part of me has been feeling empty. There is a huge void and an insurgence of apathy in my heart that just won’t seem to go away. Something is eating me alive every day. Could it be the past or current trauma I have? Absolutely. Or could it just simply be my mental illnesses telling me how unworthy I am of life? Yes, it very well might be. What I don’t understand is, why now? I am starting school off on the right foot, and I have taken my medication every day, so what is the issue? Why do I still feel like I m unworthy of God’s love or this life he has given me?

There is a deep hatred in my heart right now for many things. I am hurting deeply, and still yearning for the love I feel like I’m not receiving. I don’t want to die, and no I don’t feel suicidal. I do, however, want to feel something. Even though I’m feeling alone, I feel numb to everything. There are so many changes happening, right now, around me and I truly cannot cope. I have already relapsed, in terms of self-harm, but it doesn’t mean I’m trying to die, because I’m not. I’m just trying to feel something. I feel that people don’t care about me anymore. As dumb as that sounds, it’s how I feel. Of course I have those close to me tell me they love me and are sending prayers and good vibes my way, which is much appreciated, but sometimes that isn’t enough when your mental illnesses are telling you those people are lying to you, or that you are not worthy of the love they may be genuinely trying to give you.

I came to a hard realization today that I will go through the rest of my life heavily medicated. I kept sitting there, numb, thinking how unfair it was that I can’t have a simple, stable conversation with someone else without being on narcotics. I think I’m just resentful towards myself because I feel, think, and act the way I do causing me to be on medication. I think that is why I self-harm, to punish myself in any way possible because I’m so angry that I have to endure so much pain. But then my mind also tells me that I don’t deserve to feel this way because there are people out there with more worse problems than me, so I subconsciously punish myself for that too. The whole goal of this post was to bring self-awareness to the fact, that I am having trouble loving myself fully and wholeheartedly. I just bottle it up and am too paranoid to go to even my best friends and vent to them because I’m fearful they’ll run too, and I just can’t lose them too, I just can’t. It is a journey that I am continuing, to beat these illnesses, and yes, I said beat because mental illness is a cancer or disease of the mind, that has no cure, just a treatment. I’m trying to be positive, but I am hurting, so I needed to vent in a healthy way. Remember my door is always open to listen the feedback you all give me, or whatever you guys may be going through. We are in this together.

Photo by Camila Quintero Franco on Unsplash