I’m going to be honest. I do not feel worthy, and I haven’t felt worthy in a very long time. I have fought back and forth with myself, for a minute now, and I don’t really know what to do. I contemplated writing this post because I’m supposed to be strong for you all, my sisters, my family, my friends, but the truth is, I am the weakest one. I played the strong role for so long now, and I’m tired. I’m exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotional. I’m fighting as hard as I can, for as long as I can. The people around me continue to ask me, every single day, if I am okay, and I continue to tell them I’m fine, time and time again. But I’m not. I’m really not.
My friends and family are my world, and to see them hurt, makes me hurt. I actually don’t mind to take on their problems for a few reasons, one being it takes my mind off of my own, and another reason because it makes me feel warm. It fills my heart with so much joy when the people I love trust me enough to tell me their baggage.
The people in my life, see me as this weak individual to feel sorry for, not in a bad way per say. They know my weaknesses, and they see when I’m declining, which is quite frequently. They see me at my worst, and it makes me feel at my worst. I constantly play my funeral on a loop in my head every day. I don’t feel suicidal necessarily, I just wonder who would care if I disappeared, died even? I want to feel worthy and loved again. I feel like I am not worthy of the life that I have been given, I don’t want the life I’ve been given anymore. Everyday is a constant battle between me and my demons and I’m tired, I’m so tired. I try to wake up everyday and do my very best, but my very best just isn’t good enough. I need a break, I want a break, or I’m going to break. I’m so numb, I need to feel something again. My heart is in constant ache and agony, and it doesn’t go away. It feels like I can’t breathe. My ribs hurt. I just need to feel something