It gets better

*TRIGGER WARNING* 

Below contains my suicide note, that I wrote 5 years ago. If you are not in a good place to read this, I advise you to not to do so, thank you!

“So by the time you get this I won’t be here anymore. I’m tired. Not the sleepy kind of tired, the emotional drainage I feel every waking moment I spend breathing. The kind of tired I feel that it feels like too much work to pick out clothes to wear to school, or take a shower, or take my medicine. I’m tired of standing in the mirror with a knife to my throat wondering if anyone would ever find my body if I went through with it, or even care for that matter. I’m so sick of being unhappy and not meaning a single thing to anyone on this earth. I will be much much much more happy when I’m sleeping with Jesus and it’s better this way. Now that im gone l hope you won’t be furious with me for pushing you away and never letting you in. I’m so sorry for the pain I caused you over the years. Dragging you down my tideous journey of this soul consuming depression. That was never fair to you and I’m so sorry.  my soul is rested in Jesus and I’m covered in the blood of Christ so I will be at peace, I’m not worried. I’m not scared anymore because I’ll be with him. This is truly what I want and I do not regret it at all. No one knew how truly I miserable I was although you may thought you did, you didn’t. What you thought was going on with me was far less worse than what was really going on. Everyday was a constant struggle to get out of bed, to take a shower everyday, go pee, small stuff like that. I don’t want to go out anymore, not even with friends. This is not a life I am trying to live everyday. I know I could have a worse life and there are people out there who do but I could also have a better one, better than the crappy one I am living in. There’s so much going on in my life that you have no idea about and how bad it really is because I was too embarrassed to tell you in fear you’d judge me.  It just hurts so much to the point where I’m feeling physically sick. I don’t want to leave the people that I do love but I possibly cannot keep going with this amount of pain going through me. I have been strong for so long, or so I thought, and there is only so much a person can take, and I have hit my limit, therefore I’ve exceeded my stay. It’s better this way, you’ll see. I didn’t intend for this note to be this long so I’m sorry I was never enough for you.

10.26.14”

This was the suicide note I wrote when I was 15 years old. I am sharing this very personal and vulnerable piece of me because it shows how far I have come. If you’re wondering why I still kept this 5 years later, it is to constantly remind me every day that I will strive to never get back to such a low place ever again. The whole point of my blog is to show how overcoming and dealing with mental illness is possible, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. As you see in my above note, I couldn’t see light for miles. I didn’t have someone to share with me, their testimony, of how it gets better, and I wish I had. I want that for someone reading this. If you are reading this, I am here to tell you that it, in fact, does get better, 100%. I know you can’t see that because I definitely couldn’t. I didn’t want to hear someone tell me “it gets better” who didn’t know what I was going through, but I know what you’re going through, and yet here I am with a purpose, just like you. You have a purpose. I am so thankful for all of you. If you’re feeling hopeless please feel free to reach out to me, and we will talk through this together. You’ve got this. You’re a rock star.

Photo by sydney Rae on Unsplash

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13 thoughts on “It gets better

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  1. Thank you for sharing your story and such a difficult time in your life. I do find people opening up and talking about it makes it easier for others to, including myself. Reminds me that I’m not alone and there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. hmm i was there 2013, i was 21-22. i never left a note but i still wonder why do things tend to get better when i felt like that was “life!” not only that i felt more comfortable in my “depression” sometimes i think about going back!

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  3. life and living it can be a difficult path to walk, I have read a lot of comments on your posts saying that God loves you and all you need to do is to ask Christ Jesus into your heart and He will be there.
    I had been in a county jail for 6 months years ago on a felony charge that I was innocent of. I had no way to prove my innocence unless I could be set free and get my belongings that I had my girlfriend at the time hold for me ( 750 miles away from where I was ) . I wasn’t going to take probation, restitution and everything the D. A. was offering just to get out of jail ! Any way, I took a long strip of the sheets they gave us for our bed and had tied it around my neck and knotted it tight and was getting ready to tie another knot having wrapped it around my neck again so it would be difficult to undo. I was at the lowest point that I had ever been in and saw no other way out. I didn’t finish that second knot because I had no idea what might happen 2 years or 2 months or even 2 days down the road. And when mail came 2 or 3 days later, there was a letter for me containing 2 checks totalling over $ 21,000 from my mother’s estate ! Finally I could get out and go and collect my belongings and prove my innocence ! When I finally went to court the judge threw the case out because I was able to prove my innocence and the prosecution had no proof except someone accusing me of the crime.
    I know this is a long story, but anything can happen in our lives that will change everything , either good or bad and you just have to believe that things happen for a reason and the only thing we can change us our future. I’m glad you are still with us because you never know what lies ahead for all of us. I am still here 35 years later and will never consider taking my life no matter what happens because I know that He will never put anything in my path that I can’t handle . May you always be blessed, may you always love and be loved.

    Liked by 1 person

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