An Update

I’ve not been myself lately, and it’s incredibly scary. I have gotten bad again. I was doing so good and then everything fell apart. Anything that could go wrong, did. My grades have slipped, and I haven’t had the motivation to even take a shower in days. I oversleep and miss my classes. and am late to work all the time. I don’t want to do anything except sleep. I used to be an honor student and all I want to do is drop out of college, to just sleep. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s the truth. It’s gotten so bad, that it’s dangerous for me to be alone. October 21, I attempted to take my own life. I was ready to die; still am because today November 1, I attempted to take my life again. I haven’t felt this low in about a year and I’m stuck on what to do. I’m drowning in sadness every time I wake up, and every second I spend breathing. I’m suffocating, and the pain in my heart is excruciating. No one around me seems to be phased because they have seen me like this before, just another “episode”, I guess. I have begged God every single night, not to wake me up the next morning. I have talked to him, and, asked him to give me strength to do simple things like get out of bed, brush my teeth, brush my hair, change my clothes, and do my homework. I feel like a burden to every single person I encounter. I’ve been down this road before and I came out on top, yet, here I am again, at the lowest point in my life. My health is deteriorating. I’m sick all the time, and I don’t seem to be getting better. I just want to get back to being able to do simple things without it taking everything out of me. I wrote this blog as an update and an apology. I’m very sorry to those of you who read my blog, and who I’ve let down with this update. Please don’t lose faith in me and continue to read my blog and gain encouragement as I continue to write this blog and gain encouragement. Those of you who are religious, please keep me in your prayers, and those of you who aren’t keep me in your thoughts. I’m struggling so bad right now, and the only thing on my mind, at this moment, is death. I just need peace.

10 thoughts on “An Update

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  1. Taylor, I hope you feel better soon! This is a hard journey – a very lonely journey – and I pray better times come your way. Please go see a professional, you don’t have to do it along. Much love.


  2. I’m here if you ever need a ear. We may not know each other but your life is too precious to be taken away, especially so soon. I’ve been dealing with depression myself so I can relate to some things you’ve stated. Stay strong & keep faith. You have a purpose in life as I know because God said so. Take care of yourself. Heal yourself physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and whatever other aspect of your life. You are not alone and you don’t have to deal with what you’re going through alone. As a stranger but someone who cares about your well being, I wish you the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This means so much to me, that you took the time to write this out to me. Thank you for caring even though you don’t know me. I hope things start looking up for you as well. We’re in this together. We can get through it! As you stated, we have to keep our faith in God.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Taylor. I came upon your page because your story, “the night I killed myself,” was shared on the page of a friend of mine that took his life this August. I just came upon this story, and if you’re looking for a sign or words of encouragement or a piece of faith, here it is. From the few pieces alone that I’ve read, I can already say you are an incredibly vibrant, strong person and a ridiculously talented writer. You are a wonderful human. You have so much worth. I know how hard it can be to come out of a bad spell, but I hope this begins to send some light your way. I truly hope with all my heart that things will begin to look up. With time, I know they will. Please don’t give up.

    Your new friend,


    Liked by 1 person

  4. As someone who suffers from depression, I know exactly what you’re going through. I went through this same exact thing while I was in college and it feels everlasting. I can tell you that if you’ve begged God for death and it has yet to come, He has bigger, better, and more positive plans for you. You have to believe in those things on your own as well because faith without work is dead. One day, you have to just get up, put it out of your head and start your day like you have no worries in the world. Take the time to do the things you love and smile while doing so. It will certainly make you feel a thousand times better. Life will not be perfect, that’s a fact but, you can make it as close to perfect as possible. Just keep moving forward and hoping for the best.


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