The day I killed myself.

It was a Sunday night and I said goodbye to my coaches and teammates realizing it was the last time I’d see them, and them not realizing I was saying goodbye and not goodnight. I got home, took a shower, and said goodnight to my parents, little brother and sister, and went to bed, or so they thought.

I waited until the house was dead silent and everyone was sound asleep. I went into the medicine cabinet, grabbed every pill bottle I could see, went back to my room and popped them all into my mouth. 105 pills later I started seizing and foaming at the mouth. It was happening, it happened. I was dead.

My mom and dad found me the next morning, screaming for Jesus because they couldn’t believe their baby was gone. I ruined my family from that point on all because I was selfish enough to kill myself. My 5 year old sister didn’t understand why her sissy wasn’t coming home ever again. My 14 year old brother thought it was his fault and wanted to know why his best friend didn’t talk to him about her struggles. My parents blamed themselves for not loving me enough, when in fact they did. My dad couldn’t get through one sermon without breaking down in the pulpit. My mom couldn’t get out of bed anymore, she wasn’t the vibrant mother she once was while her “stinker winker” still alive. That’s what she called me and my sister.

All my friends who I thought never cared about me, attended my funeral, broken. I let my teammates down. They went to every competition with a new fill in, being reminded that they never saw it coming. My best friend who I thought abandoned me, and didn’t love me anymore, tried to kill her self because she thought she could have done more.

Now that I was gone, I never got the chance to meet my idol, my role model, my person, Kerry Washington. She would have no idea that I even existed because I decided to take my own life, of course that isn’t her loss it’s mine. My internet friends whom I met trough scandal wouldn’t see me live tweeting on Thursday’s anymore, screaming through my phone as I tweet about olitz. They would no longer see that anymore. My dog would no longer see me come through the front door running towards him ready to give him all the kisses and hugs in the world. My grandparents would soon die of heartache because they could no longer live with the fact that their Tay Tay was never be coming back.

Everyone in my life who I thought never loved me, or cared about me, who I thought wouldn’t have cared whether I lived or died, actually did. They cared this whole time. You see, if it wasn’t for my long time friend depression, I wouldn’t had been introduced into my new friend suicide. Because of Depression, I will never see my siblings grow up, I won’t see my parents get along for once, I won’t see my best friends ever again, I won’t ever meet Kerry. Because of Depression, I am no longer here. If I would have had that one spec of encouragement and love from those around me maybe I’d still be here, and maybe I wouldn’t be six feet under in a marble box. Maybe I’d be the lawyer I was in school to become, thriving in D.C. raising my beautiful children with the love of my life, but I’m not. I’m gone. All of this happened because I killed myself… So please don’t think suicide is the answer because it isn’t. It doesn’t end the pain, it just passes it down to everyone that loves you. You are so loved and you’re not alone.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline- 1 (800)-273-8255

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575 thoughts on “The day I killed myself.

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  1. Thank you for this post! I also suffer from depression and I too know how it feels to battle with thoughts of suicide. Well written! I’m sorry for the negative comments you’re getting. Keep writing you definitely have something to say! I look forward to following your blog and reading more, I hope you do the same❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have depression I’m talking to my therapist but some days I’m fine other days idk what to do I tried killing Myself but never succeeded I’m getting much better now tho

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      1. Please keep going to counseling. You are loved. God knows what you will be in the future, He has big plans for you. Hold on!”In this world, there will be trouble. Take heart, I have overcome the world.” –Jesus

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      2. @Jarquise Edwards…
        Sometimes it feels like there is no other way out, but it will pass.. maybe not right away, but in time. The struggles in our lives help define us. Please let your depression tell you that you’re stronger than you know. ❤

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      3. There is a Wonderful plan for your life!
        God created you for a purpose! I want you to know that Jesus Loves You!
        You are Beautiful and wonderfully made!

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      4. Stay alive! No matter how hard it is!! Pray and exercise or do something that makes you happy and is a distraction from all negative thoughts ❤️

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      5. What do u even say when ur therapist says ur too messed up for me to help u..really…this happened n Sept..I’m all to pieces .ugh I have good days but dag it sucks like nobody gets it.

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      6. I can’t imagine the torment a person must have to be in to consider taking their own life,but I do know the heartbreak of making the last arrangements for my baby brother, feeling that I have failed him so terribly. If he had only known how much we loved him. Please know suicide is never the answer . your family loves you & need you. The devil is a liar! You have worth you are loved and you are needed! I will keep you in my prayers

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      7. Jarquise, you are beautifully and wonderfully made. You are worth so much and have so much potential. If you ever have any thoughts of hurting yourself, PLEASE call 911 and ask for help. You don’t have to suffer alone. There is help available. Hugs. There is a God and He can help you. You just have to ask.

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      8. It’s not the answer. Seek GOD. When you out your mind on something it overtakes it and give you the thoughts. Trust in GOD because the Devil is busy. He wants people to not be Happy. I pray for you sweetie. GOD Bless

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      9. Thank God you are getting better! You have a life only created for you! You can overcome anything! Take one day at a time and always remember someone is willing to listen!

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      10. Don’t ever give up!!! I know it’s a struggle, I too have battled depression. But, you are strong and you can beat it! You are loved and you are special and NO ONE else on this planet is YOU! And YOU deserve a chance at a long full life! Keep pushing on! You will be ok and talk to those around you! They LOVE you and want to help! I’m here too if you need someone to talk to!

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      11. After my daughter died I thought life wasn’t worth living anymore I tried slitting my wrist but my mom caughtt lon enough me I wasn’t able to bleed out I’m cried every night praying that i wouldn’t wake up I even tried walking into traffic everything felt like I was in a dream that was 2013 now I have another beautiful 2 year old baby girl that I cherish so much and I’m dealing with my depression a lot better

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      12. Depression is definitely a tough battle to fight but once you give the battle to God you’re going to be victorious. I fight depression, wanting to swlf harm and thinking everything will be okay if I were gone but God has other plans for me, and I know He has amazing plans for you. Keep your head up and your prayers going up always!God bless.

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      13. Jarquise you are not alone! My husband committed suicide and the hole he left is unbearable at times! Reach out, continue to seek help, and I am here as well!! YOU are special! YOU are important! YOU are loved! Smile and have a great day!

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      14. Look onto the creator and author of your life and he will reveal your life’s purpose and even show you your mission here on Earth. Jesus loves you so much, you can find out how much by reading John 3:16 in the Bible. God bless you.

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      15. You are saved. Keep hope alive. Someone else in your life needs you more than you think. You don’t have to quit or give up. You’re stronger than what you think. Love on yourself daily.

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      16. Thank God you having succeeded! !!! Praying for you. I have depression also most days are bad I dont have a day I dont sit and just cry but I have had suicide in my family and I wont do that to my daughter. Your life is worth more then that. May God bless you.

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      17. It takes a lot just to say that you are suffering from depression so I really commend you for speak out. Depression is a silent killer that people seem to think is not serious but it really is. I am praying that you have the strength and peace if mind to continue to speak out about what’s holding you back so it can be released. Reading this story has many thinking about a lot but I am thankful that you said that you are dealing with depression and you’re doing something about it. I’m praying for you.

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      18. Iv battled depression and I truly understand how you feel. On those days that you want to give up please don’t keep pushing, I know it’s hard force your self to do one of your hobbies, even write about what ever is makeing you feel down. Try to stay away from dark closed in places. I’m very glade your still here!! ♡

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      19. You are not alone. Pray and remain strong, suicide is never the answer! Even on your worst days, you are GREAT😉

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      20. If you tried several times, and haven’t succeeded, there’s purpose for you life!!! God loves you, and so do I!!!!❤️❤️❤️

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      1. Maria, please please talk to someone, a trusted person, a therapist, a teacher, clergy, anyone to help you. Suicide is not the answer. Your pain is real and you can’t see the good in life right now but there is good. You just need help seeing it. My brother committed suicide 9 years ago and I miss him more than I can ever say. I feel guilt for not seeing his pain.

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      2. you are so much better than this. please realize that before it’s too late…. don’t let it consume you, no matter how hard it is. think of the better days

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      3. Jesus Loves You! Don’t ever take your life! God has given you life. Ask Him to oepn your eyes to see how how He sees You! You are beautiful!
        I’m praying for You!
        -Hannah

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      4. Maria pls dont end ur life. U r loved, u r cared about!! U r important to some1. Trust me, to them u r the world!! Pls be encouraged. You r worth fighting for!!

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      5. Suicide is not the answer. Please pray & ask God to heal your heart. Jesus died on the cross for all manner of sickness & diseases. He loves us so much that he endured pain on the cross so that we dont have to. The Bible tells us to cast our cares on him. He can take the pain away. Just ask him.

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      6. Maria, whatever pain your living with please do not let it destroy your life. I’m sure there are folks around you or in your life that love you no matter what. Ending your life is a beginning of turmoil for your family, friends and others. I urge you to give whatever your going through to JESUS!! He can and will fix anything! Pray feverishly on your knees calling out to Him he’s listening waiting for you to ASK for HIS help! I’m praying you read this and seek JESUS and help! Jackie

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      7. If you need help please reach out. I have been where you are, more than I care to admit, but if you don’t keep pushing you will miss so many good things. Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems. I promise that a year from now you will look back, and while you may remember the feeling of if where you currently are, you likely won’t remember the cause. Our minds trick us into feeling doomed when we are overwhelmed. Keep pushing and look for something to be grateful for, no matter how small, everyday. I promise you matter, you would be missed, and the world would be a darker place without you ❤

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      8. I have been there.I was deeply depressed for almost a year and the pain and mental and physical anguish were unbearable.I was convinced I was better off not being around.This was a lie and you are valuable. Don’t believe the lies.Jeep fighting and talk to those who can help and convince you of your worth.I came out stronger than before.

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      9. Please seek a counselor.. my 13 year old niece committed suicide a year ago nov 30 , 2016!! It’s been the hardest year for my sister and my family and I! There is a way out… push through and find it.. you can do this..

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      10. I know u don’t know me, and that’s fine with me but I beg u to PLEASE,PLEASE,call on your true spiritual father for help he will see you tru he loves all of us,so that’s his decision.RESEARCH,,,YAhWEH ELOHIM YAHSHUA

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      11. Maria do u have any idea how much Jesus loves you? He knows how many hairs are on your head. Please go to Him. Surrender. He is all you need. He is the answer to every single problem you have. Just ask him into your heart He is there for you. I am here for you if you want to reach out to me. I will b praying for you.

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      12. Don’t give up hope. The things that you are going through are only temporary and won’t last always. Focus on things you are grateful for. Help someone else. Go for a run. Those are some things you can do to help you get through your struggles. You are loved and God has a great plan for your life.

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      13. Maria i am a therapist and I want to help. I really want you to go to your nearest emergency room to be evaluated…..please email or dm me. I want to help you get through this.

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      14. Your life is so precious and if you allow God to walk into your life all it takes is faith the size of a mustard seed. Dear Maria this breaks my heart because you are beautifully and wonderfully made through God. He Loves you and because of that I love you. I rebuke the suicidal spirit that has tried to take this girl’s life. And I bind the hands of the enemy that is trying to make her so depressed in Jesus name. Amen. If you need to talk to someone please send me a email I will talk to you and pray for you. Laurjuandy@gmail.com

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      15. Get medical help immediately. Then get counseling, please. You are worth everything to the world, to everyone you think doesn’t love you, and most of all to yourself. Suicide only destroys and does not solve, nor resolve anything, ever! I will pray for you, Maria. Love you, Shirley

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      16. May I ask you why you are depressed? Life is what you make it. That’s not the Answer. Take these thoughts out of your mind. When you think of things like this, it overtakes the mind. GOD didn’t put us here for self murder. Thou shalt not kill. Keep your Mind on JESUS & He will show you the way. The LORD says to bring all your worries & cares to him. I pray that you get into your Bible for healing. Amen

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      17. Be STRONG!! You can and will make it… Call 1-800-273-8255, someone will always be willing and ready to comfort you. STAY STRONG!!

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      18. Maria, you are so loved and cared for. You are not alone in this world. There is so much beauty, hope, and grace…allow yourself to rest in that and be still and know that the God of the universe, who made you, knows and loves you deeply and intimately. So much so that He died on a cross for you. This pain is temporary, but suicide is not. You have so much to accomplish, so give yourself some grace and take things one day at a time. I personally have experienced so much growth recently after many months of depression and anxiety, and I never dreamed it was possible. The same can happen for you too!!!! Hold on, dear sister. Cling to this life. You are loved.

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      19. 1-800-273-8255
        Maria find the strength to pick the phone up and call this number.
        National suicide prevention hotline.
        Know that you are not alone and there is help to take the “pain” away.
        Just pick up the phone!! Please

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      20. Maria you are not alone! My husband committed suicide and the hole he left is unbearable at times! Reach out, continue to seek help, and I am here as well!! YOU are special! YOU are important! YOU are loved! Smile and have a great day!

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      21. You think there is no other way but there are so many other paths to take Maria. Walk with God in this life enjoy the sights and sounds of your day. Think if you take your life you will also take everyone around you, they love you even though you may not see it or feel it at times. Do me one favor tell one person face to face, someone that you tell everything to, about how you are truly feeling without fear of judgement. See what that person says to you. Then I want you to go home and write your own obituary put it away for a week go back to it and read it. Imagine how the family, friends and people you haven’t met would react to it. There is help out there all shall pass with time but don’t do something that can’t be reversed. Death is permanent but love is forever. Trust in yourself and everyone around you. You have a Hugh purpose in life don’t stop it now… ❤️

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      22. Dear Maria , suicide is a permanent non-solution to temporary problems. Time will change things.God wants you to live! I’ve been to the edge myself.

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      23. Life is beautiful I also suffered from depression. By the grace of God He helped me see the other side of life His love for me I don’t have to die, He suffered and died for me so I can live. I understand now that I can love myself and be love by others. I care enough for you that I can assure you that the miracle can happen in you too. You are in my prayers Maria. And by the way my name is Maria too.
        Love you ❤️

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      24. Please speak to someone…don’t take your life. I don’t know you but I hope and pray that you have spoken to someone about what tour going through. Trust and believe I have been through so much in my life like losing both of my parents in the month alone but I wanted to give up and I had to think about my kids. I have been homeless with three kids when my mom passed I was lost but I had to focus and make it happen for my children. I pray that you can get through this situation and turn it around for the good.. Please please please talk to someone… Praying for you.

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      25. God bless you dear one!! I was depressed before and found out later it’s just a trick of the enemy and he’ll talk to you and tell you that you’re worthless and nobody loves you!!!…..The devil is a lie!!! I refuse to give in to those enchantments in my head……I found a good holiness church and went and started going to and God started speaking to my heart in love and that how I found my self worth through his word!! You are not what those spirits say you are!!! Seek spiritual help from above! I’ll be praying for you ❤

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      26. First I want to say thank you for sharing your own situation,
        Yes if you can find the strength talk to a therapis do so, However , if you don’t that pain you feel I want you to redirect it into something postive and understand what really is making you feel this way.
        In order to really deal with what’s hurting you you have to face those emotions it may take you to cry,( it may even make you sad) write what your feeling at that moment when you feel like ending it.

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      27. HiMaria, I don’t know what your going through but if you just need to talk to someone I am here. 205-412-6430 call or text. God bless you and know your loved

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      28. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you think life is so bad, the afterlife can be much worse. Yes, there really is an afterlife. And you can’t change your mind after you’re dead and come back. Try thinking it over before doing anything so drastic. Forever is a long, long time.

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      29. I know how you feel. Four weeks ago my husband of 23 years left for a woman he says reminds him of me. He has now told me he has been cheating since we met. I want this pain to end and I was thinking it would if I ended it all. But he doesn’t got that satisfaction. I will get through this and so will you.

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      1. Way to go talk to somebody that wants to kill them self like that itll make them do it more ik bc I overdosed two times bc of somebody like you they need attention and somebody there for them not somebody thats gonna talk down and stuff like that..

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      2. Allan, you never know how deep a person depression is not the reason. It’s a daily, hourly, minutes to survive and deal with life. Your comment is just plain evil as you may be in this predicament one day or your family. I’m going to pray for you also. Jesus, can fix you as well.

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      3. Your an asshole!!! Goes to show the cruelty that we have in the world and you definitely fit into that category !! You obviously have your own issues that you need to address!!

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      4. A moderator actually approved this garbage? Please moderate more effectively….this could be so damaging to someone in crisis.

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      5. Don’t be an ass! Unless you have experienced depression you have no idea what it feels like to be in that persons shoes. Yes, some are stronger than others and can mentally handle situations better. And good for you, but don’t let your comments be the one to cause someone to give up because they can’t just “suck it up”. If you can’t encourage then don’t discourage!

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      6. Allen, I know it can be difficult to understand people who suffer from depression, anxiety & other illnesses.. Their behaviors may seem like they’re playing a victim… But they are not. Depression is an illness that attacks your brain.. making you feel hopeless. Like a broken leg will hurt if you try to move it… And you couldn’t just get up and go about your day without seeking medical help. Well, imagine your brain being ill… It effect EVERYTHING. You have no interest in anything.. all you feel is sadness, emptiness, hopelessness… It’s horrific. More painful than any physical illness that you could see.
        I’m sorry to comment… But I know you wouldn’t want to kick someone when their down.. This world is scary enough right now for everyone… Let’s try to lift each other up… Let’s not tear each other down…
        Seriously… Go do one random act of kindness today, and I promise you, you’ll feel better than you have in months! Just one random act of kindness can change so much, and make someone’s day, as well as yours.
        We’re all in this together… And *spoiler alert* none of us are going to make it out alive…. 😎 Lol. So let’s be nice.. kind. Make the world a little easier for someone who’s hurting..
        Trust me… Depression & anxiety is pure & utter hell… It would break me if someone said that(what u said above) to me on a day when I was in a bad place in my head.
        Don’t be that asshole. You’re better than that…
        Now, go do a random act of kindness, and tell me how you feel?? 😉

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      7. Don’t show your ignorance by making insensitive comments. It’s so easy to be encouraging and choose to be an idiot. Glad your view is not important. Smh

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      8. NOW YOU KNOW YOU ARE WRONG FOR TELLLING HER TO SUCK IT UP! THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO A PERSON WITH DEPRESSION. YOU HAVE NOT WALKED IN HER SHOES. WE ARE SUPPOSE TO SUPPORT HER. BE THERE FOR HER. NOT TEAR HER FEELINGS DOWN. YOU NEVER TELL A PERSON HOW TO FEEL. THAT IS WRONG. TRUELY RUDE. SHAME ON YOU!

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      9. Alan depression is not something you can suck it up, your comment is out of place you are ignorant about this issue and your comment should be removed. You need to educate yourself before commenting about this issue. Praying for you because you are probably suffering about something. God help you is my prayer.

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    2. Well put together because it’s definitely the whole truth. People will be touched by this and surly for the people that has attempted to commit suicide I believe they will think twice before carrying out the act. Please push this further. There are people out there waiting for this short story that means so much that needs to be heard.

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    3. I don’t know how anyone could consider this selfish- do not turn the family into the victims here. It’s selfish to project your pain onto the actions of the one who thought they had no other way out. So rather than calling them selfish- learn the signs and reach out to those who need it. You aren’t accomplishing a damn thing by calling those considering it “selfish.”

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      1. It really isn’t selfish at all. Sometimes it seems that if you just disappear everyone else will be so much better off.

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      2. That’s ones opinion. Have depression and I’ve wanted to lay down and die so many times but then I think to myself I can’t that would be selfish of me to leave me three children that are under 18 with no mother. I know the feeling of not having a mother growing up so why would I do it to my own and then I push on. And my children have learned my signs.

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      3. If you’re not one who suffers in depression and ifbyou understood the pain and mental anguish you’d understand suicide isn’t about “being selfish” it means they couldn’t fight any longer due to feeling tormented in their own mind. I totally understand why people commit suicide, BUT there are people WHO will help and it will seem to work, until the next go around.

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      4. I have to agree with you on that. Its not selfishness. .had that part of it been left out this article would probably be ok but suicidal thoughts come from a place of hoplessness, not selfishness

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      5. Selfish : arising from concern with one’s own welfare or advantage in disregard of others.

        Webster dictionary

        Suicide fits that definition.

        Let’s replace selfishness with hope. You are loved. Things will get better. Keep fighting. Don’t give up.

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      6. People being selfish is what makes other people suicidal, then they use guilt to keep you from doing it. If people paid attention to you and showed you love while you’re alive then maybe you wouldn’t consider suicide. It’s a lonely life when people wait until you are gone to decide they want you around. Too many people don’t care about what they’ve got till we’re gone!

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      7. I agree- this post makes me angry. As someone who has been in this position, this hurts that somebody would post something terrible like this. Yes, I am in a much better place, but people don’t kill themselves with the intention of making others feel pain, and telling them to stick around so that nobody else has to suffer and they need to continue to swallow it on their own is NOT the way to stop suicide from happening. Offer hugs and a listening ear. Make yourself known in a person’s life. Don’t tell them that they need to continue feeling alone and live through the pain by themselves.

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    4. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 12 years old , there use to be days that I wanted nothing more than to not be here anymore. And then I seen so many friends of mine pass away or take there own life like I was going to do, and see their family so damaged and so distraught. It’s nothing I would ever want to put my family through. So I motivated myself, and made me set goals for my life. It gets better. I just hate to see those who couldn’t see the brighter side and ended it too soon 😓😢

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    5. So like…how did she write the letter if she’s dead? So sick and damn tired of people romanticizing suicide. Somewhere out there someone will read this and see only the emtional impacr their absence will have on those they (quite possibly) believe don’t notice or care about them anyway. Really stupid post! Who TF is TayTay any f”inf way?

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      1. @TBW Your writing sounds as if you have emotional problems also. Do you need someone to talk with you. I, too, get angry when others can express themselves so openly. This is also a symptom of mental illness. You are special also. You are loved. Talk to a counselor, please.

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    6. Depression is a real disease that so many think is just a way for other’s to feel sorry for us.. I struggle with it in a Daily Basis with Extreme Anxiety on top of it.
      My life has been a whirlwind lately and I’m losing my home once again and seems the walls are crashing around me and have thought alot about ending it all But I know the ones I’ll hurt the most by taking my life would be my Family
      I wish things could just work out for once in my life. I’m fixing to be 48 years old and every door I come to gets slammed in my face…God Please Help me and Save me from this Disease

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    7. Ive tried ever since i was young. The last time i tried i told myself after i take ll pills ill ask god to give me . i sat all 5 strong of my meds on a glass table called school so my kids stay in xtended care. I heard god say you take these pills your going to hell. I got scared threw them away. Been off n on depression med for yrs. Now i am ok. I still get depressed n sad but god helps me get through it. No one is worth dying for. Theres people that love n care about you even though you think not. My daughter even tried she was on ventilator she was not supposed to make it i prayed n cried the next day god brought her back to me now she has a son n pregnant again. If you think no one cares love you christ es n i do

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    8. My little brother did it last year. I’m gonna give out some free advice. If you’ve had horrible childhood issues, get help. No one will think any less of you, in fact I will call you brave. Get it out, talk to someone. The world is not so rich that we can afford to lose you. The families of suicidal people go through a special hell. Every time the phone rings, ‘this could be it’. Ask families how many times they thought that. It’s easy for non suicidal people to tell the depressed to get a fucking grip. My brother tried several times but failed to kill him self. He finally got it right with a book he ordered from the internet. Yeah. There are people out there profiting and selling your loved ones a book on how to get it done. Life can suck big time but people love you and care for you. I’m not a big fan of Christmas or Christmas movies. The one I watch every year is ‘it’s a wonderful life’. The main character gets a view of life if he had never been born. The people who died tragically because you weren’t there. The people who made monumental life mistakes because you weren’t there to aid and comfort them. You do things every day that may have made a total stranger think, ya know, there are good people still on this rotting fucking planet that we inhabit. I may stuck around a bit longer. Every day we may do mundane, simple things that helped others on their life journey. Life is precious. Ask a child dying from cancer. Ask a blind person. Ask a veteran who had his arms and legs blown off but gets up every morning glad to be alive. When you are having a super bad day, go to children’s hospital and look around. I hope it don’t depress you. I hope you made a dying child giggle for mabey the last time. You are here for a reason. God has every hair on your head numbered. If that don’t tell you that you are important, nothing will.

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    9. This hits, too close to home. I’ve been, in an out of hospitals, since I was 13..for ATTEMPTS. GOD MUST HV A PLAN..CZ I’ve PULLED THRU SOME DOOZIES. I’ve had, 5 ppl n my close family, including my Grandpa n G Grandpa, commit suicide..n THE AFTERMATH WAS HORRIBLE.. INDESCRIBABLE. MKS u wonder, y I myself, would try, the same thing. I’m a recovering drug addict, n alcoholic. Fourth Generation.. finally, after hitting rock bottom, last summer..at 37 yrs old.. ingesting 50 100mg Seroquel.. being found, barely alive, I was admitted to the best, mental facility, I’d ever been, n..that I learned.. addiction is 💯 linked to mental illness. Noone wanted, to hear about my thoughts, n when I began cutting at 13..they simply said I needed more prayer, bc it was the devil. Doctors urged, my parents to place me on meds..but they didn’t want the stigma. It’s awful, living w a disease, that no one sees..no one believes. Struggling, day by day just to mk it through. Ppl, need to encourage, young ppl, that HV symptoms of depression..or other mental illness..to seek help. BFR U WK UP N FIND THEM DEAD. DON’T MK IT SUCH A BAD THING..OR WRITE IT OFF WHEN U NOTICE STRUGGLES, POSSIBLY GOING ON N THEIR HEADS. I NOW, AM PROPERLY MEDICATED, N TRYING TO HELP OTHERS BCOME AWARE.

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    10. Prayer is my answer for depression. God allows me new mercy each day I wake up. I’m so blessed through all the heartache I’ve experienced and I keep on keeping on for my precious family, each and every one of them. I do it for my Mom and siblings but most of all I do it for another chance to serve our risen saviour. In not perfect by no means but I’m blessed. Thank you God for everything!

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    11. I have had many days that I have had to remember that you don’t always live for yourself. You live for those who love you. Depression sucks! Hopeless, lost, I have been there, but there are so many joys I would have missed had I ever forgotten my life is not mine alone. I still live with Depression but it’s gets easier as society recognizes this illness and the need to treat it as an illness not weakness! Never quit! I have the best doctor now and no longer believe this illness has to be fatal. God Bless.

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  2. This is truly a great read. Suicide is selfish. I have had someone in my life try more than once. It’s selfish because you hurt everyone that cared for you. Your children won’t see you again, lover, parents, grandparents, all put through tremendous pain because you decide to end your existence. That is selfish.

    You keep writing for you and everyone that needs to hear it.

    Kevin

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    1. For those of us who have gone thru losing a loved one to suicide it is extremely hurtful to hear people call them selfish. My father was the most loving, caring, giving man that I ever knew. He was NOT selfish. He was tormented by a disease that he could not overcome. Please take into consideration the feelings of those who have lost the one’s they love so dearly. I do not have bitterness or hard feelings towards you, please don’t take my post as an insult. I just wanted you to be aware from another perspective.

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      1. I too lost my mom to suicide. She was a wonderful, loving and caring person. Depression takes over and they truly believe that their loved ones will be better off without them. This is not true. Had my mother known how bad this would hurt us, I truly believe that she would not have done that. She felt alone. Her stroke and depression together took her away from us. I do not believe that she was in her right mind at that moment. No she was not selfish at all.

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      2. Thank you! Finally someone said it! It hurt me so badly after I had tried to take my own life, and my grandmother told me I was being selfish. That’s what really hurt me the most.

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      3. I agree with you. Suicide is not selfish, it is not being able to take it anymore. My grandmother did it. So did my best friend. They weren’t selfish and didn’t want to hurt others, they just couldn’t take the pain anymore.

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      4. i think it’s selfish to expect someone to continue to suffer to keep other people happy. i’m not saying suicide is the answer, but neithet is guilting someone to stay alive.

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      5. I’m sorry that you feel that way. I have a chronic disease that I must deal with daily. I’m almost certain that you know where I am coming from. We were both probably led here from the same place. As I have said, suicide is selfish and I even told my mom that same thing after she attempted. Please forgive if I insulted you by saying so. One day my choice to live through the remainder of my existence for my loved ones depends on it.

        Kevin

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      6. I lost my father and grandfather to suicide. A family goes through so many emotions when something like this happens. I have come to realize over the years that when this takes place they have no control. Something else has taken over their mind. We are left with sorrow that will change our lives forever but people that are saying just how selfish it is do not realize what depression is. I no doubt have felt that way before, but time has helped me to realize it wasn’t their fault. Maybe we don’t need blogs about how selfish they are because that can hurt a family more. We need to pray for them, that God will deliver them from this dark cloud that they feel that can’t get out from under.

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      7. My Son took his life 4 years ago, He was a loving caring young productive hard working man. He felt the emotions of love and despair and hurt and the pain of it all. He loved others more than himself. Depression and suicide is a complicated state of mind the the average person cannot fathom . calling him and others SELFISH is to me not correct and a statement of the families pain . The victim of suicide thinks he is doing us a favor and decided to make our life better by removing their broken and emotionally depleted person from the world. Selfish is putting his feelings before his families. The victim does not feel in that moment and time that that is his intention. But as a father of a victim, you have the right to believe what makes you live and go forward, But my son was not selfish. He cared too much about our worries about him. Be well

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    2. you can’t say suicide is selfish bc you don’t know what that person if feeling and going through in that time. emotions are a lot to deal w but suicide is never the answer that’s for sure.

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      1. is* i’ve attempted suicide and lost my ex to suicide. i definitely know the pain of losing someone unbelievably close to you. it is unbearable but I can’t say it’s completely selfish because I know that he was an extreme amount of pain that nobody could take away. i miss him every day and i wish he wouldn’t of did what he did and i of course wish he would have just realized it does eventually get better and there is a beautiful world out there. not every day is going to be great but even one amazing day out of 20 bad days can make you have a whole different outlook on life. it’s all about your outlook and positivity. i was a self harmer for over 4 years. now i haven’t for almost 5. i hope someone sees this and knows one day, it will get better and just know, you’re not selfish for feeling the way you feel but you can’t take back leaving your friends and family. there are billions of people in this world. know you are NOT ALONE AND YOU ARE LOVED!!!!!

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    3. I don’t feel like it’s okay to talk bad about the action of suicide. It isn’t selfish. And people who commit aren’t bad for committing.

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    4. It’s not selfish!!! It’s there way out of there pain and they think it’s the ONLY way out. BUT IT’S NOT!!! You may feel they were selfish, but for someone who truely feels alone no matter what this is there way out. (I knew someone very close to me who took there own life)
      We may not understand…but it’s not selfish

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      1. I don’t think you’re looking at the post as a whole, or what it’s meant for. I don’t think their targeting, or trying to down anyone who has committed the act. I believe the post is just to get person to reconsider if those thoughts ever crossed their mind. I don’t know if the word selfish is what to use, but at that moment the only thought crossing a person mind(I was unsuccessful) is how to make the pain go away, or how to make them hurt more then they hurt me, or how can I fix the wrong/pain I’ve caused my family. To be honest, I was tired of fighting and wanted to take the easy road………

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    5. While I understand what you’re trying to say, I think it’s really ignorant to call people who commit suicide selfish. We lost my uncle to suicide and it was one of the hardest things my family and I has ever gone through, but I would never even dare to say he was selfish. The reality was, he was sick. And that sickness caused him to kill himself, it wasn’t a selfish tendency. When you call people who commit/have attempted suicide selfish, you only bring more shame to the issue itself. Please understand; the words you choose to use have power. Be careful with what you say.

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    6. I understand that you think that suicide is selfish…and that nothing I say is going to change your mind….but as a survivor….we aren’t being selfish….we are so low….we feel like a burden to those we love…and that they would be better off without us…..and when you reach that level of low that you are taking your life…you have lost control….I don’t even know how to explain it…your so low it’s like your choice to live or die has been taken away from you….

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    7. It’s heartless to call suicide selfish because that’s the last thing on a persons mind with a mental illness..they are so sick, they’re convinced themselves that the world would be better off without them and that their act is selfLESS.

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    8. Obviously you have never lost someone to suicide. Are you would never call them selfish. My best friend took his own life two years ago. He just needed to know for once someone truly loved him but instead I was the only one who gave him any type of encouragement. I hurt everyday because of what he did. but never once did I think of him as selfish. He had demons for bigger than I would ever understand. And I understand demons. Sometimes the problems bigger than what we realize and sometimes we can’t get off of our knees. So please before you call someone who has to put their own life or has tried to take their own life selfish, try living in their shoes for just one hour, you won’t survive that so there’s no need for me to ask you for 24 hours.

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    9. I lost a brother to suicide in 2013 and I have never once thought that he was selfish. No one and i mean no one knows the suffering that another person is going through. My brother was and in my eyes still is the strongest man I’ve ever known. He is no longer suffering from his mental disease or from physical pain. How could i possibly think less of him for finding his peace. My brother was 59 years old, RIP Sam.

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    10. It is NOT selfish. Depression is an illness, debilitating. All they want to do is end their suffering. Many treatments don’t work and there is no hope. That pain becomes too overwhelming. Sometimes the depressed can see the toll it takes and how people pull away. As not to feel a burden, they end the suffering, or so they think. The thing is the pain continues, but is carried now by many. My brother ended his life almost 10 years ago and I watched him become a shell of his former self as his illness took hold. I will proudly carry his pain on my shoulders knowing that he is no longer suffering from the pain and exhaustion he existed with.

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    11. I actually think it’s selfLESS to give to everyone else and never get what you need from people. IMO there isn’t a cure for suicidal thoughts/tendencies. Unless people suffering from depression want to takes meds for the rest of their lives. Sometimes everything we thought would make us happy ends up being not so great and we’re just sad, ashamed, angry, unmotivated and alone and literally the only thought in the world that seems logical and peaceful is seizing to exist. Is it giving up? Not if you never asked to join this rat race in the first place…

      Morbid I know.

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    12. to: kevin and all you judegmental pricks ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME… SUICIDE IS NOT SELFISH CLEARLY YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESS IF YOU THINK IT IS SELFISH, COMING FROM ME WHO HAS ATTEMPED SUICIDE 8 TIMES AND HAVE BEEN IN AND OUT OF PROGRAMS IT IS NOT SELFISH AND THE TIMES I TRIED TO KMS THERE WAS NOT ONE THOUGHT THAT WENT IN MY HEAD THAT WAS ABOUT ME AND I CAN TALK ABOUT EVERYONE WHO HAS ATTEMPTED…. WE THINK ABOUT EVERYONE WE CARE ABOUT THINKING THEY WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT US OR ARE IN SO MUCH PAIN THEY CANT DO IT ANYMORE… IF YOU THINK WE FUCKED UP WELL YOU BETTER LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR CAUSE INSTEAD OF BEING JUDGEMENTAL FUCKS WHY DONT YOU HELP

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    13. I can’t agree and say selfish… my baby brother did this and yes selfish was my first thought but it’s a a means to an end for his pain. Yes selfish in a way but depression is more real than people think or know. I never knew how real it was until November 3, 2011 the day I lost my vibrant, happy, loving, funny brother.

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    14. I use to think the same thing it was selfish but now I’m in there shoes and I understand why they feel the way they feel. It doesn’t make it right but we have issues for a reason we can not help. Unless you have been in the shoes it’s easy to say sucidide is selfish.

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    15. yes it’s selfish I agree on that but you don’t know what she was going though mentally you can’t know what anyone is going through mentally maybe to her it was her only option left

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    16. Kevin, if you’ve never gone a day of battling depression and other psycholohical diseases you wouldn’t see this as selfish but others cry for help. One could see your comment and that could send them over the edge even more. I pray you never have to deal with this or anyone in your family. It’s easy said but a process for that individual.

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    17. If someone was dying of cancer would you call it selfish of them to give up the fight and let the cancer take them?
      It’s the same thing but no one can see the internal fight someone with depression is fighting everyday. It’s so exhausting to have those thoughts and feelings all the time.
      Depression isn’t just feeling sad. It’s an entirely separate emotion that unless you’ve been depressed, you couldn’t possibly comprehend the feeling (like trying to explain a color to someone whose been color blind their whole life).

      I can feel depressed and have other emotions at the same time. It hurts physically and mentally and emotionally every day. Some days are easier and some are just terrible.

      And most people who are struggling with depression who turn to suicide don’t plan to kill themselves. Most don’t actually want to die (even if it’s all they can think about). They just hit a moment when the idea of fighting it anymore is too exhausting to even try. It’s a spur of the moment thing, that happen because there was an easy enough method available to them before that dark moment was able to pass for them.

      I didn’t mean to rant but I feel like a lot of people don’t know what depression really is. It isn’t a choice. It’s a fight, that you have to repeat everyday. And no one can see how it’s physically, mentally or emotionally effecting you.

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  3. I just don’t understand how people can come on this post BASH someone & call them ” disgusting, selfish etc. ” basically downing them knowing how they already feel. But yet they’re the ignorant one; irony at it’s best 😒. I’ve been struggling every day for the past year and a half with this same mental turmoil it’s NOT easy, & for her to come up here and confide in complete strangers just to be bullied by you incompetent motherfuckers SICKENS me. Baby girl I love it 😘

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    1. I totally agree. It’s not about ur family it’s about u. A person who commits suicide just want the pain and suffering to end. It has nothing to do with ending their life. People have no idea the daily struggle people deal with.

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    2. This is such a true response. Hugs. I’m doing all I can to hold on and watching my one son dying from brain cancer and my other kids being eaten alive because of it too… Smh. These mfs couldn’t walk an hour in glass filled shoes.

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  4. Thank you very much for writing this. I’ve dealt with suicidal thoughts almost all of my life… It’s gotten so bad lately that I even fantasize about it. I know I won’t ever do it, I’ve dealt with friends/family members who have committed suicide, I wouldn’t wish my pain on anyone else.

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    1. The struggle is all to real an I’ve seen it with my own eyes, when ur having a bad day an u just can’t get outta of ur own head look at all the great memories U have with friends an fam go back to baby books as u we’re growing up , look for someone u can take to an haveno judgement passed upon trust me there is people like that

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    2. Ryan get in the present of God he created you to excel in life he created you for his glory I love you so much my heart goes out but I refuse to give up on you I know suicidal is real but don’t let the enemy way down on your mind we just have to change the friends surrounding and the way we think God can use you ask yourself why are you still here There’s work in God kingdom for you to doing would love to talk to you.

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    3. I’m not sure how comments on articles like this work but your comment sounds as though I wrote it myself. If you’d like to talk to someone whose life sounds almost identical to yours and this comment shows you a way to reach me, please do. I wish I could post my name so you could find me, but I hide everything from my family so they don’t worry😕

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    4. Please talk to someone about your thoughts and pain. I’m glad you never acted on them. You’re life is important to many people. Never forget that.

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    5. Ryan I am a mom who everyday writes on her sons fb page for what reason idk I have to tell him everyday how much I miss him I have PTSD I walked in to find him hanging from a belt after he thought his life was over bc he’s girlfriend and him broke up he was full of life and had everything going he talked about being the minivan father he was awesome with kids I mean awesome the enemy lied to him the devil is a liar everyday I fight to not breakdown I broke down in the bathroom today this is the most pain possible and he wouldn’t want that don’t do that to anyone please god it is unbearable

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  5. This is crazy! Alot of people commit suicide because of bullying & that’s what alot of u r doing. Jus because someone has a different opinion or out look on something doesn’t mean its ok for u to b negative toward them… Thanks for sharing ur story. U r very brave for doing so. God Bless u

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  6. This is very well written. People really don’t understand unless it affects them what an intense impact depression has on people’s lives. Suicide, depression and mental health is something that people should be more vocal about, people should not be made to feel afraid to talk about it. Beautifully written!!!!

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  7. This was a great read and I pray the awareness of mental illness and suicide is brought into the public one day and talked about. With your permission can I put your story/blog post on my website on the suicide prevention /awareness page? …I’m sure everyone will appreciate this as I do now .I recently wrote a book and it has key points about Suicide and depression . This fits perfectly

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  8. Hope this inspires all to show care. And those depressed to realized folks do care. They simply don’t know how to show it until its to late.

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  9. I use to feel this way a while back I even sat down with my kids and talked to them about it but eventually it got a lil better but sometimes I still catch my self thinking about it but it is a terrible disease and no one should go thru it alone get your family and friends involved make them see that you really need their help before it’s too late

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  10. Rip baby girl no one knows what someone is going thru.if u feel like she selfish who are u are u God are u judging.the people who feel like she’s selfish u are u don’t know what ppl go thru I just lost my sis to suicide she hung herself from a tree may 30,17 rest n heaven never judge someone cause it could have been u but suicide is not the answer wen u feel like giving up go pray go to God and ask for strength it works

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  11. Very inspiring story. I’ve dealt with depression myself and even felt as though others would be “better off” without me. Medication and therapy brought me a long way! I hope others can learn from this heart-wrenching story, it’s so sad.😥

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  12. I am so full of tears…. I definitely can relate because the same way TayTay felt is how I feel. I have all these ppl around but it doesn’t feel as if the love and care is truly there.

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    1. It helps to talk it out…don’t feel like the door is locked…try opening it and you will find that it was lonely shut and not locked. Don’t conclude without trying, there are people in your life who genuinely care and love you. Give them a chance…above all, realize that you cannot make it on your own and need God to strengthen you and walk with you through that lonesome valley. #youarenotalone;

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    2. Please do not feel suicide is going to take the suffering from you…we know not where death leads and suicide is a definite way to the kingdom of hell which is probably worst than this form of hell and it is eternal. God will provide for you through your season of tribulation….just stay faithful that God gets you through your season of tribulation. In this world we live for the good and bad and the bad is not always eternal if you just trust and believe in the Lord. Our trials come in seasons…we just have to get through them. God Bless You.

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  13. Wow! Thinking back to when I had the same thoughts is scary and I take this opportunity to pray for all that has come forth with the issues of depression and suicide. Yall keep holding on. I don’t have all the answers but what I do know is that the devil is busy planting these thoughts in people minds. But God is able to cleanse your minds through Jesus and make you new. Yes it will take time but the decision to say yes is in your control. I love all of you with the love of Jesus Christ, and I will continue to pray for all of you. Be encouraged. God bless.

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  14. Reading these post are so true but that’s why we have to find that someone we really can talk to b4 we do that please people learn to love yourself and know you can do all things through God who strengthen you.everyone goes through life’s pain and struggles we just have to be overcomers I have a encouragement hotline I share helping people stay focus encourage equip and empowered to become women of God and help guide into their destiny.we are our brothers keeper that’s why I smile it worth a thousand words.

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  15. People say it’s selfish to commit suicide, and it sometimes is. But it’s also selfish of the people who cause someone to kill themselves. And it’s extremely selfish for people to say mean things about someone who is struggling with depression. Some people don’t understand what it’s like to struggle mentally. But try putting yourself in our shoes. I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety for four years now. Sometimes I do think suicide is the only answer but I try to find a way around it. Sometimes people who are struggling with it don’t have anyone to go to or don’t have the money for counseling. So before you start saying hateful things about people who struggle mentally, think about how you’d feel if you switched places with them.

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    1. I’ve thought about suicide a LOT, I’ve been depressed off and on for years but I still think suicide is selfish. Everyone have someone that loves and cares about them, when we’re depressed we think no one cares but actually we have people that care so it is selfish to commit suicide because you’re leaving the people that loved and cared about you hurt and broken. They’re trying to figure out where they went wrong and what they could’ve done when more than likely they did more than enough but the demon depression is so strong and powerful it makes you think they aren’t doing anything to help you overcome. Yes, people need to stop saying mean things and treating people like crap but the people that do that don’t matter. Your loved ones are the only ones that matter and leaving them with all those unanswered questions is selfish. Once again this coming from someone who’s wanted to kill themself, who’ve taken pills to sleep because that’s the only time I felt right, who didn’t talk to family and friends because I thought they wouldn’t care nor understand. At the end of the day your loved ones are the only thing that matters and leaving them like that is not right.

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  16. The people that are making the comments that this is pathetic or selfish are actually the ones that are behaving in such a manner! This young woman is incredibly courageous to share her story with us! Believe it or not way over half the people that struggle with depression and attempted suicide are actually thinking of EVERYONE ELSE! That they would be better off without the person struggling in their lives, they feel like a burden, they feel like it causes problems, they feel like it destroys their loved ones around them! It’s very very obvious that you have never had a personal experience with it to make such a comment on this vibrant beautiful young woman thread calling her pathetic! That is EXACTLY the attitude that leads people to feeling like they have no way out, so pat yourself on the back for being a jerk! Instead of raising awareness and being that one complement or encouraging word that can make the difference! And to say it’s a permanent solution for a temporary problem again is incredibly misguided because most that suffer with depression will fight this battle every damn day for the rest of their lives! Tell me how that isn’t a permanent situation please! Instead of people bashing and putting down why not try to lift up and encourage because this is another wonderful way of letting out that pain and also letting others know they need support! I speak from both sides of the aisle both as someone who has been here and almost succeeded and also as someone who has lost those she loves! Today I’m grateful that I didn’t because I DO have so many things to look towards that keep me going but there are also days that it feels like everyone would be better off without and THAT is the depression talking not my own mind and beliefs! Perspective is everything and the lens through which we see the world, taking just a split second to see the world through someone elses lens can be a defining moment as an individual and can grant the gift of compassion and understanding that just might save a life! Take the time to educate yourself on what depression is and what it isn’t, for example chemical BIOLOGICAL imbalances and not a choice, no one would choose to feel that way! Hate the disease not the person! Sorry NOT sorry! ✌️

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  17. This is so,so sad & just to think they are doing it as young as 10~12 yrs old!! Family never sees any kinds of signs before it’s to late!! My thoughts & prayers for these families 🙏🏻❤️💙

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  18. I thank you for this! I have dealt with clinical depression since I was 12 when my dad passed away. Im struggling even more now than ever my daughter passed away on may 29 2017 at 2 weeks old. I do have days when I feel like nobody cares cause when i try to talk about these feelings nobody has the time or they act like they dont wanna talk or tell me i shouldn’t feel this way.

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    1. Brokenangelmommy, out of all the comments on here, yours really touched me. I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter, passing so young. My husband and I lost 3 babies through miscarriages. The 2nd one I got to 4 1/2 mo. and learned it was a little boy. We’ll be married 51 yr in Jan 2018. We STILL mourn these lost babies to this day, even though we went on to have a handsome son, who is a 3rd and just turned 44 yr old and a beautiful daughter, now 39 yr old, 5 yr after our son was born Before our Son came along, I stayed depressed, both from losing 3 babies AND from feeling unable to give my husband the Son he wanted to carry on the family name, by naming him the “3rd”. Our daughter lost a little girl in 2010, who lived a short 18 hr.. I PLEAD with you to PLEASE tell your Dr your feelings and thoughts ~~ I found out through blood tests that I had a chemical imbalance, THAT is what part of what was making me depressed. It was like magic once I had been taking the meds to correct it for about two weeks. (Yes, it takes a bit for them to get in your system and do their thing). Feel free to email me to chat if you want/need someone to talk out your feelings. My husband didn’t care to discuss the details of our miscarriages either and I had no one else to talk to. I’m here for you.

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  19. This was well written this is my life I live, my girls are why am still here today I wouldn’t dare bring that kind of pain to them life is hard enough.

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  20. What I got from your passage is that in general, suicide is selfish. This idea – that the poor souls who suffer from a deep enough depression to attempt suicide are themselves selfish people – doesn’t quite make sense to me. Suicide is a terrible thing, and I hope that those who have those thoughts find it within themselves to reach out for help. Unfortunately, these things are often accompanied by isolation, loneliness and a complete feeling that they cannot confide in another person about how they feel. Many victims of depression feel that they are useless, have no purpose and are a complete burden to others. They are so enveloped in these dark thoughts that they cannot see anything else outside of that. They struggle to get out of bed, to brush their hair. To make conversation with others is a task that takes an entire day’s energy from their bodies. Others deal with their sickness differently. They “scream” for help in subtle ways but those around them either don’t hear, don’t know how to help them, or don’t understand the extent to which the mental issues have evolved. Then there are those who mask it, or feel too humiliated about their dark thoughts to reach out. And sadly, there are also those who simply do not have the resources, time, or support they need to get help. In addition, most people thinking of suicide are not just ignoring the fact that other people will be in pain in the event of their death. In fact, that’s usually the only reason they are hanging on. They literally hold on just one more day, as long as they can, because of their mom, dad, wife, children, etc. They hold on as long as possible until the monster of depression takes them. They are victims of a sickness. And to say they are selfish is essentially blaming the victim. Saying they could have done more. No. They wish more than anything that they could have done more. They are hopeless. In their mind, they are completely alone in a dark world. If they felt there was ANY other option for their life, they would jump at it because they are that desperate. And those suffering deeply enough read things like this and feel even worse because they already wish they could be enough and do enough for those around them. It’s an imbalance of chemicals in the brain. Not an opinion that can be changed overnight by reading an article. I don’t know who this article is supposed to help besides yourself. And you could cal that selfish. Yes, if you are closely affected by suicide, you will go through the grieving process and you will be angry. You will feel that person made a selfish decision. And the people who write things like this are often just expressing their anger. Some people haven’t lived through any form of that level of depression and have an opinion based on nothing. I don’t know your specific situation or why you wrote this. But sharing this toxic idea with others serves no purpose for the bettering of anybody. It seems in the end of your passage, you blamed it on others for not being encouraging enough, but then blamed it on yourself for doing it. It’s a complicated and devastating experience, but blaming and shaming are never the answers to this ever growing issue. If you grow enough compassion and understanding in your heart, you will realize that you will never, EVER be able to see what goes on in another person’s mind or see the absolute Hell that they may have lived through. My suggestion to you is to try to learn a bit more about mental illness and try sharing a real perspective on it to spread awareness rather than to point a finger.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I hear you. Perhaps it would have helped to suggest that suicide is an escape route, but once you pass through you cannot come back. Like a trip to Mars–one way ticket.
      The struggle is real. The pain is real. And no once can understand this except the person enduring that pain.
      If anything, this person needs a true friend. To stand with and encourage them to hold on; to fight on; not to give up; that it will get better…and it really does…

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  21. Depression is my best friend too sometimes my only friend I try to start each day with a positive thought but sometimes that’s not enough suicide has not been introduced because my depression works better alone this story is encouraging and I hope I can learn from it Thanks for sharing

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  22. I’m sorry for those who feel like no one loves them and situations that put you in that frame of mind, but let’s not deny the fact that it is a sin to kill yourself and you truly aren’t escaping your pain

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  23. I had a MAJOR stroke 10 years ago. My wife divorced me & She & my two boys & dog moved 2 hours away, I now live with my elderly parents. I have two older brothers with there own lives. Sometimes I think I (sellfish) would be better off dead. I real as if all my friends have abandoned me. I’m now in a wheelchair and can’t do all the things I used to do.

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  24. I do not believe suicide is selfish. As a daughter of someone that committed suicide, it took me a long time to understand this; as I, too, was heartbreakingly devastated & then struggled with my own depression & anxieties. I believe those who commit suicide actually WANT to live, very much so; but they’re incapable of ending their pain. They have wants, needs & desires but don’t know how to obtain them because they’re overwhelmed and exhausted by hopelessness, sadness, despair & sometimes anger and anxiety & even addiction. If given help (and some feel too embarrassed to ask) they would often choose LIFE, they just don’t know how to continue on. At least that’s what I believe & helped me to understand better the impact it had on myself.

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  25. People that suffer from depresssion often feel as if thier family and friends would be better off without them. They don’t feel like they matter and are invisible. So please!! The next time you see a friend or family member start pulling away and not communucating as usual, take the time to find out what’s wrong. Dont just dismiss it. Give them a listening non judgemental ear and support.

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  26. Oh beautiful soul, thank you for sharing your heart with the world! You are truly brave and inspiring. THIS is why writers write, to reach the souls who heed the message. Those who do not should just keep it moving, not bash the piece. Sharing this on my Facebook writing page “Phoenix Ascended” to help spread your beautiful message. Thank you for sharing your strength! ❤

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  27. Suicide is for the weak-minded. Anyone who feels that they are the only one going through something they are not. There are lots of people going through the same things as them and they do not take their lives. Some people are just weaker. Suicide is the easy way out. To hell they all will go.

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  28. People think suicide is selfish, well it’s really not. You don’t know what pushed them that far. May stop caring how many people it hurt for that person to die. And think about how to prevent it from happening again.

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  29. Saying that suicide is selfish is a selfish statement in itself because you’re making someone else’s pain about you or about others. Suicide is in no way selfish and posts like this are very dangerous things to post for people who are suicidal. Many of them, including myself, are completely down on themselves. Everything they do is wrong in their mind and seeing this would just make them feel more wrong. Suicide is not selfish, and you are not alone!

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  30. One year ago today I tried to end my life. I stopped and bought two boxes of sleeping pills and a mountain dew. I drove to a carpool and sat and wrote good bye letters to my children and while doing so I took EVERY one of them pills. My friend could sence something was wrong and called me repeatedly. I never answered…. I remember falling asleep. For whatever reason I woke up, I couldn’t move. Again my friend called, this time I answered she couldn’t understand anything I said, I was so scared at this point I remember saying to myself this is it. I REALLY am not gonna die this time. You see… I have had depression since I was a small child. I feel like a complete failure and worthless. I feel like a burden to everyone in my life. Mind you I can count the people who claim to love me on both my hands. I am living a life I truly am miserable in. I don’t see sucide as selfish. What’s selfish is family and friends wanting you to exist in a place you hate, in an empty shell pretending your alive. I am far from alive….. I simply exist. That’s selfish.

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  31. I’m sorry that my opinion hurts people, but I do think suicide selfish and I am not wrong for thinking so. I’ve been there, on both sides. On the side of the person trying to take their own life and on the side of watching people try to pick up the pieces after the person they love has killed themselves. So don’t tell me that I don’t understand. You can disagree with me all you want, but acknowledge that my opinion is a valid one.

    It is a selfish action in my eyes. That does NOT make the person who killed themselves a selfish person. I separate the person from the action. I assume most of you are not selfish people but that doesn’t mean you have never done a selfish thing. I also don’t think the *intent* is necessarily to be selfish. Some people kill themselves with the genuine belief that they are making things better for their family and friends. Not a selfish intent at all. But the action? It is selfish to me. Because the person who kills themselves is free of all the hurt that’s been dragging them down and everyone left behind suffers.

    And this article, although it never says the words “suicide is selfish” paints exactly that picture because it focuses on how suicide hurts everyone you leave behind. I’m not sure how you can love this post and simultaneously loath the idea that suicide is selfish. “It doesn’t end the pain, it just passes it down to everyone that loves you”… it’s just a prettier way of conveying the selfish effects of suicide.

    And for whatever it’s worth… some of us who are low DO need to hear that it’s selfish. Because we’re not selfish people and if we can realize how selfish it is an how much it would hurt the people around us… we can make it through one more day for them.

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  32. For those of you who have tried or contemplate, we are available to you. Maybe now is the time for something different. Look us up and reach out, Outdoor Immersion ( A 501c3 Mission of Hope). Let’s go for a walk in creation. 🙂

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  33. I have a severe depression I take medicine for it it doesn’t always work but I think God that it does all I’m saying is if you have given if if if you have depression I hope somebody notices it and you get treated for it before it goes too far more and more people today need to be educated on depression and what it does to an individual is all I’m saying

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  34. We will never understand what people are going through. We do not have the right to judge. People who are depressed and suicidal are fighting demons that we who do not suffer could never imagine. Idk if it’s selfish, I just know that it hurts and effects those who love and care about you the rest of their lives. God is greater than all. Seek Him and your chains will unbind and you will be free of all sufferings.

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  35. Selfish? I will tell you what selfish is: Selfish is when you make the choice to get behind the wheel and be drunk. Selfish is when your actions cost innocent people their lives. Selfish is when you choose words that distroy others hopes and dreams, selfish is when you lie, steal or cheat at the cost of others who you take from or murder for your own greed. Suicide is a confused mind, a sick heart. They at the moment are not selfish, it’s only themselves that they feel they are hurting, and happens to often. They have no intent on hurting others, their ill.

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  36. Since I’ve lost my youngest son at the age 21 to lukeimia and fungal pneumonia on June 10th 2015 I have thought about it many of times. But I keep telling myself each day that I continue is one day close to him. But with depression and when your suicidal you really don’t think of others your to deep into your own head and no one or nothing matters but stopping the pain stopping the loneliness……it’s a daily struggle with me and to be honest I am so alone, my husband tells me too that he gave me a year and a half to get my shut together and get over it. I know that sounds like he don’t miss his son we just deal different I guess. All I can say is if you can find one thing to hang on to no matter how small or how big grab it and live for it. I pray God wraps his arms around all who need someone to hang in to

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  37. Suicide isn’t selfish and not everyone’s situation is the same. Sometimes life doesn’t ever get better and just gets worse. Isn’t it selfish to want your loved one to suffer through the rest of their life just because you want them there ? Depression isn’t the same for everyone and some people have no one… even if they did it won’t make a difference to them. For some people,suicide is the only thing that will end all of the pain. How can you call someone selfish for making their own life decision? I am not saying suicide is the answer but for some people it is the only way .

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