Taylor’s Interview Feature

The Bipolar Writer

Many of us in the mental illness community can trace our “story” from the very beginnings, and many stories start when we were teenagers. In my own experience when I was a teenager, I never wanted people to know, or to tell my story. I wonder all the time what would have happened if had gotten help as a teenager? That is what makes Taylor’s story— a young woman from Knoxville, Tennessee— all the more amazing. At age nineteen Taylor has already been through so much, and yet she was willing the be featured on the Bipolar Writer blog, this is Taylor’s story. One we can all learn a few things from her journey.

(Taylor’s blog) https://taysblog2017.com/

Taylor’s Interview Feature

When a journey begins, it is usually at the point where life and mental illness starts crashing into one another. Taylor’s journey begins four years ago in 2014, with a…

View original post 1,182 more words

Advertisements

13 self care tips to better yourself mentally and physically

Having a mental illness can take a toll on, not only your mental health, but your physical health and personal hygiene. For me, when I was in the beginning of my diagnosis of my mental illness, I did not take good care of myself at all, I had poor hygiene. It was almost like I was a little kid again, having my mom and dad take care of me. A lot of people who don’t gave mental illness see people that do have mental illness, as lazy when they don’t keep up with themselves, and that isn’t the case at all. When you have a mental illness, all sense of self care and upkeep goes out of the window. We are too busy in our own world filled with our mental illness that we don’t find the time to do what is best for ourselves. Also, Depression, at least from my experience, play a big part in poor hygiene. The upkeep of yourself is another hard task that we just cannot seem to bring ourselves to do. Somethings as simple as taking a shower or brushing our hair feels like an impossible task, so below I conducted a list of self-care tips I personally use to knock the funk off me whenever I have an episode of relapse, and hopefully you will find something you like and can implement it into your routine too!

  1. Taking hot baths– Taking baths, sometimes with salts, scents, or certain soaps, can relieve stress. Taking a bath can help improve your personal hygiene while relaxing you, that way you are still achieving cleanliness while being relaxed.
  2. Brushing your hair at least every other day– Sometimes we don’t want to get out of bed to get ready to be productive, and that includes, showering, changing our clothes, brushing our teeth and hair, if anything, keep a brush on your bed side table and brush your hair once every other day, at the least. It can be relaxing, and you got your self-care in for the day
  3. Getting your nails done– I personally go and get my nails done a lot, to treat myself and make myself feel pretty. When you go to the nail salon, you don’t have to get acrylics or gel. You can simply ask for a cuticle cutback, nail trim, and a healthy clear coating to go on top of your nails to help them grow. Its simple, but goes a long way.
  4. Cleaning you room– Cleaning your room when you have Depression can seem like a stretch, but for me it is a stress reliever. I am a neat freak, and living in a room that is in disarray further triggers my depression, so tidying up can relieve some of that anxiety and depression.
  5. Change your clothes everyday– I admit, I fall victim to not changing my clothes at least once a day when I’m in a depression rut because I usually just stay in bed not feeling like I need to change clothes. But even if you decide to stay in bed for the next two days, changing your clothes can keep you clean and make you feel like you’ve accomplished even the simplest of tasks.
  6. Burn your favorite candle– Personally, I love candles because they provide my favorite smells and make me feel like I am in a relaxed, controlled environment. Burning your favorite smells can increase your mood more than you think, try it.
  7. Listen to your favorite playlist– Listening to your favorite type of music, sung by your favorite artists can make you feel so much better. I know whenever I am sad or upset, I immediately put on my Beyoncé playlist to make me feel like I can run the world (pun intended).
  8. Binge watch your favorite show– I binge watch Law and Order SVU because it is one of my favorite shows and makes me forget about all my problems I have, and gives me a reason to engage in something else other than being sucked in by my mental illness. Binge watching anything that makes you happy is always a plus.
  9. Sleep in– This is probably my favorite self-care tip because I utilize this one religiously. Sleeping in has a negative connotation because people see it as lazy, but having a mental illness can cause physically fatigue, and a little extra R&R is not going to hurt, it will, in fact, help. Whenever I sleep in, I wake up feeling a little better than if I would have if I ah woken up early.
  10. Make a small healthy change– I recently made a small healthy change by drinking water 75% of the time, and Dr. Pepper or anything else filled with sugar, 25% of the time. I used to be able to drink a whole 2 liter of Dr. Pepper by myself for two days because I am that obsessed with it, but obviously it wasn’t good for me, causing excess acne, which I didn’t appreciate. Making a healthy change, can trigger a positive, healthy change mentally.
  11. Call someone you love– I call my parents, mostly my mom at least 4 times a day, no exaggeration. I love talking to my momma because she makes me happy. I am in college away from home, so I am homesick for sure, and calling or facetiming my parents puts me in a better mood, plus that gives me someone to tell my good news to. Calling someone you love relieves stress and emphasizes your love you have for them, increasing the greatness of your day, even slightly.
  12. Watch a stand-up comedy– I love standup comedy. My favorite standup comedians I love to watch religiously are Kevin Hart, Kat Williams, and Steve Harvey. Whenever I need a good laugh or a want a good laugh, I go to Netflix or YouTube and search for them.
  13. Blogging- Blogging obviously is something I had to put in here because what would a blog post about positive ways to increase your physical and mental health be without blogging being a part of the list. Blogging allows me to get my thoughts out and help others while helping myself. Reading other blogs helps me in my recovery and my hopes is to do the same for them.

I hope this post gave you some ideas of how to take good care of yourself :).  Don’t forget to like, share, and follow, xoxo.

Two years into my road to recovery

This week is a special week for me, as it marks two years since my last suicide attempt, 2 years since I was deathly under-weight and it almost killing me, and 8 months clean of self-harm. What an earful, but I am grateful. I am grateful that I am still alive today, I am grateful for having the self-control to not continue to hurt myself, and I am grateful for being at a healthy weight. I have accomplished so much since my last suicide attempt. I graduated high school, I am finishing up my first year of college with a week and a half to go, and I started this blog. I have grown as an individual, in the sense that I change the way I see things, the way I see life. When I was in the deep pits of despair, to the point where I thought ending my life would fix everything, I always thought pessimistically. I never saw the bright side to anything, and I never wanted to. I would lose hope at the smallest inconvenience in my life, and based my whole entire mood around that mindset, and no one could change the way I thought. I found a comfort in my sadness, and when I felt a little bit of joy creeping in id shut it out because it wasn’t what I was used to. I wanted to get better, but a part of me didn’t because I was scared of not knowing what that felt like. I had forgotten what actual joy felt like, and I wasn’t biting at the bit to find out. It always gave me anxiety to know that something good could actually happen in my life because it could go wrong at any moment, and in a way, it did. My eyes saw the world as black and white at this moment in my life. I was so convinced that I would be this way forever, and that the only way to end the constant pain and torture of living and breathing everyday was to die.

I relapsed my second month into college. I was doing so well for about 6 months and then something happened in my life, and I just snapped. I was back to my old ways and it felt comforting because that’s all I knew for the past 4 years. When someone self mutilates, there is a release of endorphins that make you feel good and relieved after you hurt yourself, just like crying. I have more scars on my arms and legs than I can count, but thy are a constant reminder that I am in a constant battle with myself and I am here to win. I used to be embarrassed of my body, mostly my arms because people don’t understand why you would do that to yourself, but no longer am I ashamed of what has happened to me. They are only there to remind me to better myself.

I am now at a healthy weight where I can live without my doctors worrying if I’m going to live until the next year because I couldn’t maintain a normal, healthy weight. Two years-ago my weight was so insanely low that I didn’t eat for 24 hours, that it helped enable a collapsed lung. I was stuck in the hospital for 3 days until they could get my lung working a normal rate again. I was not healthy, and I didn’t take the necessary steps to ensure I was health because I obviously didn’t care at the time, but I’m better now, much better. I haven’t had nearly as many suicidal thoughts in two years, I have been clean for 8 months, and I am at an extremely healthy weight. I have my bad days where I feel myself slipping back into old times, but I remind myself, every day, that I am here to stay. Id say I’m thriving right now and I couldn’t be anymore giddy.

Don’t forget to like, share and follow, xoxo

 

Relapse means recovery

When we think of recovery from a mental illness, we think that we aren’t supposed to relapse or have bad days. Well, I am here to tell you that we do relapse and we do have bad days, and it’s okay. Some days I feel sad. Some days I think about self-harming again whenever the smallest inconvenience happens to me. Some days I want to go to sleep and never wake up again. Some days I get irritable. Some days I forget to take my medicine. And some days I think about killing myself. I have these thoughts and emotions, and I think I’m not supposed to, and that I’m possibly going down that dark road again. I’ll be doing so well for weeks and then something small or big happens to me that I don’t like, and I feel like relapsing into the old person I used to be. I get scared of myself sometimes because I’m afraid that I’m not strong enough to not act upon those feelings. I just assumed that I’m supposed to have nothing but good days throughout my road to recovery when in fact, I’m supposed to have bad days, so I can appreciate and recognize the good ones.

Having a moment of relapse into your old ways doesn’t make you weak or invalidate all the progress you’ve made thus far. It doesn’t mean you stop trying to become better just because you had a moment of darkness. I used to beat myself up if I relapsed by self-harming, or going off on everyone who came near me because I was irritable because I didn’t take my medicine because I saw that as all my hard work going down the drain, and I saw myself never getting better because I had one minor setback.

These last few months, for example, have been extremely hard for me for various reasons, big and small. I get into arguments with different family members, and it leaves me so angry that I wanted to die. Now, that doesn’t mean that I actually wanted to hurt myself or die because I am doing better, and I am not the same suicidal person I was months ago. I am having a minor setback, yes minor. Some days I get so mad because I argue with them over little stuff and I take it hard and I think I’m failing, but I am actually happier, than I have been in the past four years, because I am getting better, and these past few months don’t define my whole recovery and treatment process.

If you have relapsed in any way while in the process of getting healthy and happy again, I am here to let you know that that means absolutely nothing. Relapse means recovery, and you can’t heal and become a better version of you if you don’t have something to compare the good days to. If all you see is good days and no bad days, then the good days aren’t going to feel as rewarding. I promise it is okay to feel not okay sometimes. It is all a part of our healing process, and that is something I have to remind myself of every single day.

Don’t forget to like, share and follow, xoxo

I found a strange peace and comfort in loneliness

Before I developed mental illness, I was an extreme extrovert. I talked to anyone and everyone who was willing to talk to me. I had zero anxiety when it came to making new friends. In fact, I always put myself in situations to make new friends. I was the girl in school who always cracked jokes and kept class alive. I even befriended my teachers, and was just an all around social butterfly. That all quickly changed when I started spiraling into a depression.

We have all heard that people who suffer from Depression, like to isolate themselves from everyone, and of course that was the case for me. Four years later, from the time I was diagnosed with Depression, I have found myself to be an extreme introvert now. I choose to be alone, and I like being alone. I like to do things on my own, and have found a peace and comfort in keeping to myself. This year was my first year of college and I haven’t made as many friends as I thought I needed and wanted. Fall semester, I was pretty bummed because I felt alone, and I was told college was supposed to be the best four years of my life, and I was going to find my life long friends, but yet every time I had the opportunity to make friends, I found myself straying away from those opportunities. I found myself doing activities around campus alone because I never put myself out there to be seen by other students, and frankly, I wasn’t jumping out of my seat to find my next best friend.

My parents constantly ask me why I haven’t made many friends yet and I realized, I don’t want to stick my neck out for people to just come and go out of my life as they please. I have had some heart break throughout these past four years of suffering from my illness, and I’m just not ready to be that girl again. For the time being, I have found comfort in doing thigs on my own, and being alone. And don’t get me wrong, yes, I get down occasionally because everyone needs companionship, and a best friend they can go to. My friends are back home, and even when I’m back home visiting, I’m not rushing to see them. I have found a peace in taking time to better myself, and getting to know myself before I am ready to be that crazy, fun, extroverted girl again. And who knows, maybe she will never be back, maybe this is me growing into the person I was always supposed to be. I am getting older, and my friends and I are going our separate ways. For now, I am taking this time to focus on my mental health and school, and then my friends will be there if they want and I they don’t they can leave. I’m not bitter about it, I just have found myself turning into a different person, one who isn’t consumed with sadness and darkness, and always feeling the need to please everyone around me. I’m going to continue to keep to myself and see where life takes me.

This post probably sounds like I am opposed to having friends and that I hate my friends, and that isn’t the case at all. I love my friends, and if I make some along this journey then great, but I’m just not going to stress myself out trying to put extra energy into people who wouldn’t do the same for me.

Don’t forget to like, share and follow, xoxo

The signs that helped reveal my mental illness

It was around September of 2014 when I truly started to realize I was not the same person I was a few months prior. I smiled less, I ate less, I socialized less, and I left my room less. Practices were miserable for me because I couldn’t bring myself to smile and enjoy doing the sport I loved so much, and being round the people who made it even better. Every day it was the same routine. I’d come home from school, go to my room, shut the door, pull the covers over my head and go to sleep, until my parents begged for me to come out and eat something that night. Most of the time I lied and said I already ate just so I wouldn’t have to leave my room, but they didn’t care, they weren’t buying it. I didn’t eat lunch at school, and I didn’t say a word during lunch. My friends would sit around me talking and laughing and I’d be in the middle wallowing in my sadness. In the beginning they’d ask me what was wrong, but they soon quit asking after about 2 weeks because I still wouldn’t have said anything. Those first few months leading up to my discovery of my mental illness, I was quite mute. I talked very little at church, and after church was over I would go to the car and wait for my mom to come out, so we could leave. I never cried during those months. I was more numb than anything, and didn’t really know what was happening to me, I just knew I was me anymore.

Every day was a miserable cycle of me feeling empty and not knowing what to call it. I knew why I was sad, I had some personal problems going on in my life that triggered me into this mood shift, as I called it. I didn’t think I had depression until someone pointed it out that, that is what most likely had. I kept telling my mom I didn’t have it, and I didn’t need therapy. I was in denial. In all honesty, I didn’t really know what Depression was until I was diagnosed with it. I didn’t think a mental illness could find its way inside of me, ever.

Here are some of the signs that presented themselves to me and the people around me, alarming them of my soon to be mental illness:

  1. I isolated myself from my friends and family
  2. I stopped eating
  3. I didn’t enjoy doing the things that made me smile, anymore
  4. I hated talking to people
  5. My grades started to suffer
  6. I slept anytime I got the chance
  7. I became irritable
  8. And most importantly, I began to think about dying, excessively

These signs pertained to me, but are generalized with Depression, and are usually the signs in every other person suffering with this illness. If you start to notice these signs and symptoms in you or someone you know, I encourage you to receive help immediately. Catching this infectious illness that manifests its way into your brain early could save someone’s life. Don’t ignore the signs, receive the help, that is why it is there.

Don’t forget to like and share. Also follow my blog for more frequent posts about my road to recovery!

Coping with my chronic illness and Depression

Living with chronic illness or pain for any single individual is a pain within itself, but add on Depression, and you feel like you’re dying. I currently suffer from stomach peptic ulcers and heart disease along with my mental illnesses. For some people, their Depression is a side effect of their chronic illnesses. For me, it is a little different. I had Depression before I developed my stomach ulcers. Ulcers are holes in the lining of the esophagus, stomach, or small intestine, and I developed my ulcers from my first suicide attempt, trying to overdose on a variety of pills. Ulcers cannot be cured, but can be treated. In other words, I will live with them for the rest of my life. Having Depression, along with my ulcers, is a constant battle because when I have a flare up in my stomach, I am further reminded of why I have them. Ulcers cause an excruciating amount of pain in your stomach that will have you hunched over crying for hours. It is a gnawing, burning sensation that doesn’t go away until it is ready. There are acid reducers that reduces flare ups, but they come anywhere, at any time. So, when I am in pain, it causes me not to want to do anything, but lie in my bed, in the fetal position. I don’t want to eat because it makes me nauseas, therefore, I sink into a depressed state because I’m not doing anything except wallowing in my pain, being miserable.

Living with heart disease and Depression is also a constant battle. I have high blood pressure, and systolic murmur affecting how my valves work. I have to wear a heart monitor every single day, every hour on the dot. I am constantly out of breath, I am always sweating, even when it is 30 and below outside, I will most likely be in short sleeves and have the window cracked in the car or my room. I have palpations that make me feel like I am having an anxiety attack every hour of the day. I can’t do dimple things like brush my hair or teeth without feeling exhausted causing me to want to only sit in my room and do nothing because it is easier that way. I am lethargic and sleepy all the time. If I am not in class, I am in my bed sleeping. There are many other symptoms I could list that make me feel dead all the time, but you get it. These symptoms are those alike of Depression, so I can never really tell if I am depressed or my heart is just acting funny.

Chronic illness is very different for certain people. Chronic illness for me hinders my every day activities, so on top of me naturally having zero motivation because of my Depression, I have sickness that makes me feel heavy and sick all of time, enabling my depression. How do I cope with it? Honestly, I have to find different ways to push through it. Sometimes it is calling my parents to receive motivation to just get out of bed, some days I have to just go for a walk around campus to get my spirits up even I don’t feel like it. I will also take my medicine to make sure I am feeling half-way up to par every day, so I can find the strength to go to class. I go to my cardiology appointments whenever I am scheduled, so I can continue to be as healthy as possible, and so I can remind my self that the effort is there.

Chronic illness goes hand in hand whether you have Depression because of your chronic illness, or whether you had it to begin with and chronic illness is just another obstacle that you have to deal with. Either way I encourage you to just do your absolute best. There aren’t any set rules that you have to follow to feel good every day because that just isn’t possible when you’re in this situation If you have, make a list of positive affirmations around your room to remind you that your best is enough. If all you did that day was get out of the bed to change your clothes, and get back into bed, that is perfectly okay, because at least the effort was there. If you are having trouble coping with your illnesses, both physically and mentally, please feel free to contact me and we can help each other in the best way we know how.

The person I called my best friend decided the position wasn’t for them anymore

The day I was diagnosed with my mental illnesses, was the day I started to lose the people closest to me. Mental illness is a very serious and real disease, and having someone in your life battling It can be stressful because you don’t know how to help them. The only thing you can do for your loved one, is to just be there for them. For me, I had people there who could handle it, and those who could not. When your loved one is dealing with something as powerful as mental illness, the last thing you want to do is leave them.

I had someone in my life who could not handle my mental illness. At first, they were all about helping me through this struggle, and being there with me every step of the way, that is until it got to much for them. By no means am I blaming them for our lost friendship, but I shouldn’t have been blamed for it all either. This person broke off our friendship because they said I was a very terrible friend. This person did not come to me in the beginning and tell me this, so we could fix this and talk about it like real friends would have. This person left me in the dark for months. They no longer answered my texts, they ignored me in public, and wouldn’t say a word to me for about 4 months. This person was my best friend.

After months of asking them why they were being so distant because we went from talking and hanging out every day to not saying a word to each other, I felt I had the right to know why my best friend was acting like they hated me. Well, turns out they did. This person finally blew up and told me that I had been a terrible friend throughout our entire friendship and they wanted nothing to do with me ever again. I was so confused and hurt because I wanted to know what I did. After me begging them to tell me what I had done, they told me I was never there for them, and that I never acknowledged that they were my best friend. They said I was self-centered and I always had a problem. They didn’t like that I was always sad all the time, and put a damper on everyone’s mood, and that I needed to shut it off in public. They said the relationship was all about me, and me venting to them all the time, and it was only one sided. Well guess what? They were right.

I was battling Severe Clinical Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. In no way am I saying that is an excuse, but yes, I was sad all the time because every day I was trying to find new ways to end my life. I had problems all the time because I was sick mentally and I needed my best friend. I had no idea they felt like I was treating them like garbage, and they have every right to feel that way. In a way, even if I didn’t think I was, I was neglecting our friendship. My illnesses caused me to be distant towards the people in my life, this person included. My illnesses caused me to be tired and never wanting to do anything thus, never really inviting them to do different fun things with me. I promise with everything in me, I wasn’t intentionally being a terrible friend. I was sick and needed help and my best friend just left me because they didn’t understand mental illness. I am not blaming them because a lot of people don’t, but when your best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, or anybody you’re close with, has an illness, whether it be physical or mental, don’t give up on them. I was never given the chance to say sorry and make things right because they never gave me the chance. They made the decision for the both of us regarding our friendship. They never stopped to think how I would feel if this friendship was over, they just left. There is and always will be a void in my life because they aren’t here to see how far I have come in my road to recovery. They left when things got too tough, and now we don’t even know each other. I will always have so much love for them. To this day, I pray they are happy, even if their happiness doesn’t include me. I miss them very much and the pain gets worse every day, but I have to respect that this is what they want, and how they feel.

If your loved one is battling mental illness, please don’t give up on them. Sit down and talk them because they need you more than you need them. They’re sick and broken and they already feel like the world is against them, don’t be against them too. Tell them you love them, and be there through their road to recovery.

Intensive Outpatient Care

April 12, 2016 I decided I wanted to take my own life again. My mom found me the next morning unable to move, feeling scared and panicked she rushes me to Children’s Hospital. I was weighing at 100 pounds, my face as grey ever, and me looking sick as ever. That is when things got scary for me. They called social services who told me I was going to be admitted into a Psychiatric ward at Children’s Hospital. I begged my mom to do something but I didn’t have much to fall back on since I was the one in the hospital bed. They told me I didn’t have to do inpatient if I agreed to do intensive outpatient therapy for 1 month, 5 days a week, 3 hours a day. I was really hesitant at first because I was thinking about school and work and a million of other things I was stuck having to deal with since I failed my suicide attempt. It was inpatient or outpatient, so of course I chose intensive outpatient.

My grandfather came and sat next to my bedside crying asking me why I would do such a thing? Why would I try to destroy something God worked so hard to create? It had not fully set in at how deep I was in. I was in trouble, I needed help, immediately. I missed school all of that day, my friends were worried sick because I had sent them a shivering text the night before. I attempted suicide on a Friday and they started me on intensive outpatient care at Peninsula Lighthouse that Monday. I was so terrified. It was like started the first day of high school all over again. I didn’t know what to expect or who to expect.

I met some of the most amazing people in treatment. These people were just like me, struggling just like me. I wasn’t alone. You’re never alone. I spent 1 month in an intensive outpatient treatment program causing me to miss the first part of the school day and drastically effect my grades. My relationships were non existent at this point, and I just felt completely alone. I didn’t eat, I would self harm everyday just to cope. In IOP (Intensive outpatient care), I learned healthier coping mechanisms other than sleeping and self harming. My therapist was incredible and pushed me to be my very best self everyday, and for that I am thankful.

Treatment changed me for the better. If I hadn’t gone to treatment I would be in a psychiatric ward wishing I was dead and making zero progress because I’m just that stubborn. Instead it gave me 3 hours every single day to detox, and to talk about how I was feeling, and to here someone validate my feelings. My problems were never too big nor to small. I was introduced to new medication that has done such a good job in keeping my spirits up. It was exhausting being exhausted everyday. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. IOP is a program I highly recommend for someone going through a time of self hatred, and a feeling of the only way out being death. No one should EVER feel like dying is the only way for them to be at peace. Everyone deserves peace on earth and a loving support system, and IOP provides both of those.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑